A close-up of Daphne with her arm around her daughter, Michelle

‘Mum worked non-stop to build us a life in the UK. That’s why I look after her now she has dementia’

Daphne Cumbermack emigrated to the UK not once, but twice. Here, she and her daughter, Michelle discuss the dignity and quiet resilience she showed in setting up a life for her and a future for her children.

‘I don’t know how you did it Mum, honestly.’

Michelle Cumbermack may have had a successful career in law, but she is still in awe of her mother, Daphne.

The two of them live in London. Daphne joined her daughter in 2017 after her second husband passed away, soon after which she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

Michelle has given up full-time work to look after her mum. She now wonders how Daphne managed to balance her job, studies and family while making a life in the UK.

‘I went to evening class, I worked – I never stopped working,’ says Daphne. ‘I didn’t have any time to waste.’

Daphne’s early life

Daphne grew up in Georgetown, Guyana. She was a talented student, winning a scholarship to a prestigious high school, where she especially enjoyed English, Latin and French.

She married at just 19 and had her first two children there – Michael and Gilliane. Her husband wanted to go into law, so in 1962 they travelled by boat to England where he could study for the bar.

‘It was completely different from the West Indies – colder for a start’, Daphne laughs. ‘There was perpetual sunshine in Guyana.’

Two black and white photos of Daphne, aged 16 and on her wedding day

Daphne aged 16 (left) and on her wedding day (right)

The young family rented the bottom of a house with Daphne’s sister, Claudine, who was already in London.

‘I trained as a secretary – shorthand, typing - and I carried on with that. There were agencies looking for staff.’

‘But what I really remember’, Daphne chuckles, ‘is pushing an enormous pram around, to go to the child minder, going to work, then coming back, and picking the children up, and going home.’

Too many barriers

Daphne and her husband saved up enough money to get a mortgage and buy a house. They had another child – Michelle. ‘Mum worked full time, Dad worked full time, and we always had a home cooked dinner every night and had to sit together at the table,’ Michelle says.

Daphne doesn’t dwell on any bad experiences she had in England, but she did recall one boss: ‘I was a secretary and he never had a kind word to say about me. ‘You people’ this, and ‘you people’ that, he always used to say. He was a real racist. I was really pleased to leave that job.’

After 15 years in England, the family left. Daphne’s husband decided that as a Black man working in law, there were simply too many barriers for him to find a job that matched his ability.

Michelle remembers her dad saying, ‘Over here, you are just a speck on the horizon.’

She says it was just so tough for him to be recognised.

‘He didn’t want that. His family was well known in Guyana, so he went and set up his own law firm.’

Memories of Guyana

In 1976, the family returned to South America. It was a remarkable time for Michelle, one that would stay with her for her whole life. 

‘It was amazing. Teenage years are quite formative. It gave me a real sense of identity. The school was amazing. The lifestyle was nice. For me, that was a really good time.’

Daphne and Michelle laughing in the park

Daphne and Michelle both spent formative years living in Guyana

It was an extraordinary time for the whole family. Daphne worked at the Libyan Embassy. Once, Daphne and Michelle ended up at a dinner with Muhammed Ali, who was visiting. At the time, he was arguably the most famous man on the planet. Michelle says, ‘He was so nice as well, he pulled me aside and started chatting to me, I remember that.’

Then, two things coincided. Daphne’s marriage was strained, and Michael was reaching an age where he was thinking of university. Daphne wanted Michael to have the chance to study at an English university, which would help him in future life. 

Starting again from scratch

Daphne bought one-way tickets for her and Michael from Guyana to London. 

Michelle says: ‘Respect to my mum, because at that time, things in Guyana were difficult, you couldn’t buy foreign currency. Mum left Guyana with nothing but two small blocks of gold, and with that, started in England – again – from scratch.

‘Then, she worked and saved to pay for my sister and my passage back to the UK.

‘And then she saved again to get a mortgage and bought a house. It was so nice having a house of our own. Before this we were renting a small house where my sister and I slept in one room, and Michael slept on a sofa bed’.

Michelle with an arm around her mum, Daphne

‘What I really admire about Mum is her strength of character,’ says Michelle.

As her children made their own way in the world, and left home, Daphne was working for an oil firm. There, she met Rick, the man who would go on to become her second husband.

Work led Daphne and Rick to Spain, where they stayed for the next 20 years. Daphne learned the language, and really enjoyed their life there.

Daphne’s memory problems

But around six years ago, Michelle noticed that Daphne’s memory was changing.

‘We were at a lunch, and she kept asking me what Rick was having to eat. And I said ‘Mum, why do you keep asking me the same question?’’

Rick passed away suddenly in Spain. Michelle knew that her mum needed to come and live with someone who could care for and look after her. And so Daphne, still grieving from the sudden passing of her husband, had to move back to England.

Michelle brought her home to live with her family. And then began the process of researching the condition and getting a diagnosis.

Finding dementia support

‘I took Mum to the GP and that’s when we were referred to the Memory Clinic. A lovely woman came, Mum had a brain scan, and then we got the diagnosis – Alzheimer’s disease.

‘After she had the diagnosis and I was researching the illness, I came across the Alzheimer’s Society website, and I kind of thought ‘mmmm. Do I call them?’

Our dementia advisers are here for you.

‘Because as a Black person sometimes you feel as though these organisations are not targeted to you. They may not be aware of the concerns you have as a Black person living in the UK. 

‘But I do remember seeing some images of Black people on the website. And that’s when I contacted Alzheimer’s Society

‘We were put in touch with a lovely volunteer, Susan, who started spending time with Mum on Friday afternoons. She still does.’

Courage and strength

In recognition of a life filled with care and hard work, Michelle is full of gratitude for her mum.

‘What I really admire about Mum is her strength of character,’ says Michelle. ‘She didn’t have a particularly good time with my dad. She had the courage and strength to leave him, but only when we were old enough to understand it. And just being able to make that choice, pulling herself from a really nice life in Guyana and coming back with nothing.

‘And that’s why I look after her now.’

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16 comments

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Hi Michelle

We were friends at university, then lost touch. Your story is moving. I too cared for my mother recently. She had the same condition and like your mother came to the UK and worked hard to make us comfortable. Sadly, she has now passed. It is inspiring to read her story and the fact that you are providing her support and comfort. Would love to see you.

I know your family. I know Michael your brother, he lodged with me in Loughborough. So very sorry to hear of your mothers’ ilness. Would love to hear from Michael again.

Hello Michelle, Your brother Michael lodged with me in Loughborough, I have not seen or heard from him since the early 90s when he visited. I once spoke with your lovely mother many years ago. Would love to hear Michaels’ news.

My name is Trish,had a test for dementia in2019.came back everything o.k. Next year still thought something not quit right.Back to the doctor had some memory tests and a different scan.This time diagnosed with early onset dementia.My doctor's name is doctor Walsh and this year his is just concentrating on early onset dementia.I feel I am lucky to have him as my doctor
Hopefully he can find a cure for this hideous disease.I may get a few more years..

What a beautiful story.
Your Mum was very brave to leave and start again.
I wish you both all the best, and May you have many more happy years with your Mum.
Xx

My wife has just passed away with vascular dementia. I have looked after her for about 4 years. Small changes in her behaviour for about 3 years. They were manageable. She refused to see a Doctor. This year she collapsed about 3 times and was taken to hospital by ambulance. She passed away in a nursing home 2 months after her first admission to hospital. We had been married 54 years. She was a fabulous wife, mother and grandmother. We dealt with Dementia Uk not knowing who to turn to.

We're very sorry to learn about the recent loss of your wife, R J. Please know that you are not alone, and we are here for you.

You can call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They are here to listen to you, understand your situation and provide you with support. More details about the support line (including opening hours) are available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line

You might also find it helpful to talk to others who have been or are in similar situations. Within our online community, Talking Point, carers and other people affected by dementia share experiences, advice and offer support. You can browse the community or sign up for free here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-on…

We hope this helps. Please do call our support line if you need someone to talk to during this difficult time.

Alzheimer's Society blog team

Hi Michelle
I have been subscribing to the Alzheimer’s
Society for a while. I wish you and Daphne
all the best…
P S
She looks great.

A simply uplifting life story . I’m so happy your mum is staying with you now. I have my mum with me she is 90 and bedbound with Alzheimer’s.

Thank you Daphne and Michelle for sharing your story -really inspiring to read, especially as someone who also descends from Caribbean migrants and knows just how much hard work went into building a new life here in the UK amidst a hostile reception. Along with her children, the strength Daphne has shown is her legacy and I'm so glad her story has been shared.

i have read this and i am deeply moved and inspired, i am in the middle of jobsearching and so many other things late in time online, using wi-fi at sunlight centre in gillingham kent, anyway, God bless all of you and your loved ones all over the world and in dear little old england, i have a loved one with dementia and think about her alot and pray for her but i can no longer do anything to help her, she is a beloved mother-in-law far away in another part of england and going through divorce with husband and unlikely to ever see her again in this world, though husband and me trying to stay friends, so next time he visits her he will probably invite me to come and i will and have time with her and husband's family, ....... whom i all wish well, and this dear old lady was so kind and wish all her happiest memories of her late husband and other loved ones stay with her always.......

It is really inspiring to hear Daphne and Michelle's story....what women!
it makes me want to hear and listen to more about people's lives who have migrated..
thank you - will be sharing this

How interesting - Daphne is so encouraging to me. Her strength of character and determination to make the most of each opportunity for her family. Surely this is a movie in the making.
Thank you for sharing your story.

What an amazing and inspiring woman Daphne is. I appreciate you telling her story as it helps you to see the person and to remember to do that and not just focus on the condition. 😊

I loved reading Daphne and Michelle’s story, what a remarkable woman Daphne is! As someone whose parents were immigrants and came here with nothing, building a whole life and family with sheer hard work and determination it really resonated with me.

Amazing story ❤️ I took look after my mum who now has vascular dementia- who came here in the 50’s from Barbados 🇧🇧 She is 92 and so strong and amazing too!

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