Coronavirus restrictions in care homes: ‘Bit by bit, Mum is forgetting who I am’

It appears to me that every person with a loved one in a care home is in the same sad situation. It’s heartbreaking to see them hold out their arms to have a hug . I really can’t understand why the care home staff can hug and hold them while we can’t . Surely if we have masks on and rubber gloves we could at least hold a hand. Are the staff not capable of washing our loved ones hands after we have gone ? We are told that soap and water will kill the virus , true or false. Care homes have to be more responsive to family members. After all this is not a free service, they are paid huge amounts of money to care for our loved ones , with little or no interaction with family members. The blogs on this site are all heart wrenchingly similar, our loved ones do feel like they have been locked away, kept from loved ones who would happily isolate themselves so that they could give that all essential hug . I’m positive the staff do not isolate when they go home.
My other complaint is if a loved one is at the end of life and obviously remaining in their own room why can’t we hold their hand ? We can all be responsible and use sanitiser and PPE , it’s cruel and uncalled for. If the Care homes are struggling then the government should help families to care for loved ones at home. Some older people like my father are in a care home for their own safety because he can’t look after himself. He doesn’t have dementia and could be living in his own home if carers were more consistent with visits that lasted longer than 30 mins if your lucky. Our elderly fought for our freedom it’s time we fought for theirs.

My mother has been in assisted living dementia care since April 2018. We are and have always been very close and I’ve taken her out and spent time with her every day since my father died in March 2018. Covid meant stopping that very important family contact with her. She has had a fall resulting in multiple fractures during lockdown and I have been denied access to her throughout. I’m a qualified nurse, midwife and specialist nurse advisor with experience working with infection control. I have continually been denied access despite my volunteering to help with her care and her dementia has been negatively effected as a result of the reduced activities during lockdown and lack of family contact. Now that I have finally managed to arrange visits to her room after 7 months of justifying why I should have access, I have been made to feel unwelcome by Receptionists and senior nurses and this has been questioned in front of my mother. She has picked up on their and my upset and I’m now concerned as to her mental health if access is again denied with another lockdown. Until her fall in lockdown I felt confident in their ability to care for Mum but no longer feel they have her best interests at heart. The staffs’ interests and other residents are being prioritised and the reason given for non access has been, and continues to be, “its not fair for others”!!!! When did we lose the ability to treat individuals like individuals? I’m at a loss as to what to do as my mother is settled but visibly missing family contact and deteriorating. I feel stressed about covid, father's death, mum’s loss, Mum’s care, her dementia progressing quicker without my input and addressing these issues with the Care Home adds to these stresses.

Although I can't go and see my mum, they keep asking me to send things such as soap, knickers etc. Things are always going missing, the latest was a tablet I gave, so I could have some kind of contact with her, as they were only using the manager's lap top for everyone. She has money in the safe, so I'm not sure if it's down to me or them.

Absolutely gutted today to be informed that we can no longer visit my Mum. She has moderate dementia and is quite frail. We have gone through four months of this earlier this year. She wept when we were finally allowed to see her. Staff are in and out, they are shopping, they have children in school, they physically touch her constantly. Surely to continue outside, distanced visiting is positive in so many ways and is low risk. We know her stories, we know her history. We can cheer her up when she’s down. It feels like I am abandoning her at this precious last part of her life. So contra intuitive. I’m so very sad and we haven’t even been able to explain and say Bye.

my sister has demenia and we have to go and sort out things for her can we stay for more than one night because of covid 19

My mum is 89 and had to go into a care home on emergency respite in December last year and was made a permanent resident in February. So we haven't seen her since the end of March. We have had no contact with her at all. Video and phone calls are not suitable as she isn't interested and can't understand. Because of her mental capacity outdoor visits weren't suitable because she would have tried to get away. The home doesn't allow any indoor visits and window visits would disturb her too much because she would want to get to us. We have had to think of her needs over ours. She is settled and we have to remember this but it doesn't stop the hurt and longing to see her. My heart is breaking and I find myself crying, no sobbing, because I don't know when this will end. In the space of a week we found out she had been given a pureed diet instead of a soft diet and was refusing to eat. She had lost weight which she can't afford to do as she only weighed around six and a half stones to start with. Also at this time we found out that her baby a doll she has had broken and we hadn't been informed.
Which could have been why she had been refusing food. So we got her a new one and she cried tears of joy. Then we found out last week she had been given too much respiridone over the long bank holiday weekend. After a trip to a and e she was found to be OK thankfully. My mum could die without me ever seeing her again. I am not alone you will all feel the same. We are helpless and no one can offer an end in sight

My mum is in a care home and only seeing me once a week from a distance. I have to wear a mask and as she is deaf she can’t hear me at all. Her mental well being is suffering as is mine. The government needs to address this. She calls the place her prison.

Mum 88 years has poor health but brilliant mental capacity prior to this we went to the home everyday took mum in her wheelchair shopping & to lunch twice a week. Then lockdown awful, garden visits so like visiting a prison when the pubs reopened mum asked why she was still locked up. Then 5 weeks ago Mum caught Covid in the care home (they brushed it aside, no apology or explanation) left her for 18 hoursbefore calling a doctor, covid not caught from visitors as none were allowed. 2nd admission to hospital due to neglect, the 2and time covid free the hospital allowed me & my sister in separately to feed her. Yet the care home Manager shows NO COMPASSION Back from hospital now bed bound been spoon fed we stand at her window that hardly opens and try to talk to her but shes dead. 2and hospital admission a week ago mum crying in agony with us watching through a window still not allowed in, barbaric. Mum has had covid they gave it to her and we are not allowed near her she is getting more depressed by the day, we are stressed. My sister spoke to Matt Hancock on LBC asked him about opening care homes. He waffles on and on a load of nonsense that they are open to visitors and the radio cut her off. It is disgusting our elderly are being treated like this and the public are not even aware. If my mum was an animal the animal rights activists would be going berserk but shes old so somehow the goverment think it's ok. Emails back and forward to the manager pathetic should be having a meeting with us as they nearly killed her twice and we can't hold her hand. Wrong wrong wrong inhumane. Why hasn"t the media done more about this.

I live 5 hours away from my mother who is in a care home with dementia. They told me today that I had to nominate one person to be her constant visitor so it makes sense for that to be her sister who lives nearby. However that means that I am no longer able to see her until the Guidance changes. I don't think she will know me when all this is over. I am so angry that we have to make a choice between one visit from me every few weeks or one visit per week from someone she cares about but who isn't her next of kin. I can't bear to think whether she is conscious enough to believe I have abandoned her. When one's days are numbered surely quality of life must be more important that quantity. It is heartbreaking.

My husband has been in a care home with vascular dementia for three years. Before COVID-19 I would visit him 4 times a week for three to four hours, talking to him, holding his hand and playing his favourite music. He sleeps a lot and doesn’t talk much. Since March I have been allowed to see him three times, outside for half an hour and with a carer checking her watch. I am seeing a decline in him, he no longer looks at me or says anything. It’s difficult to talk with a carer sitting with him. When I ask how he’s doing they say oh he’s eating well. When I wasn’t allowed to see him I sent him cards, the carers read them to him. He has patio doors in his room, I asked could I sit on the patio to talk to him and the answer was no, they are hard to get to. I get very depressed by the situation.

What is wrong with this uk government !!
Why won’t they open up the care homes??? My mum is 81 years and has declined hugely since lockdown- she has now had a big step change into dementia. No activities, no visits from family no hugs no kisses no hand holding....
uk government you have a lot to answer to and I for one are coming for you when she passes !!!! I am very very angry 😡

Unfortunately I had to put my Husband Dave into a care home three weeks ago as I was no longer able to care for him 24 hours a day. I have also just come out of Hospital after major surgery. Although I know he is being well cared for the thought that no one from the family can visit him is causing me distress.

I can really empathize with all care homes...not only the ones with underlying health issues, but also the homes for people with learning difficulties. They all seem to be the forgotten group. E-mails to local M.P's Matt Hancock and TV morning programmes.

Thank you all for sharing! I am a great big ball of tears and my heart is torn into shreds since they’ve stopped me from being with my Mom who is 93, has dementia and cannot walk due to a stroke 3 1/2 Yrs ago.
I was visiting with her every single day. (Prepandemic) I would eat goodies with her, watch TV together, and go for walks (she in wheelchair).
I knew I wasn’t alone but when I stumbled upon this website (and I wasn’t even looking) I know my higher power answered my cries for help; some kind of relief from this immense feeling of depression knowing I too may never be able to be with my mom again.
How do I know my mom is being cared for properly? How do I know if mom is happy?
I almost wish Mom would be taken to heaven already just so she doesn’t have to keep wondering why I no longer can visit her.
And Skype sucks for us too!
I don’t understand either bc the caregivers here are allowed to bring their children to work but I can’t visit my mom?
This whole thing is a mess!
All I can do is continue to pray for the strength for us all to get thru this horrible horrible pandemic.
May your higher powers bless you all!!!

I know how frustrating things get as my mum is dying and I can’t even hold her hand! It is heart breaking I was gloved up with full gown visa and face mask but still not allowed to hold her hand , I’m in bits! This is so cruel!!!!