Book group: The Reluctant Carer

The Reluctant Carer, written by an anonymous blogger, is a frank account of family and ageing. 

‘This book was intriguing because of the anonymity of the author, who describes his experience of returning to his childhood home to care for his parents,’ says Caroline Branney, who manages our Dementia Knowledge Centre. 

‘The short diary chapters, with catchy headings, build up a detailed image of his and his parents’ lives, their personalities, relationships and foibles.’

Diane in Nottinghamshire says, ‘In part a study of old age, frailty, ill health, wounds, hospitalisation, this book seems to me to be a remarkable insight into strength, endurance, heroism, family, friendship, identity, complexity and so much more. 

‘It encompasses every twist and turn, high and low, success and failure, and every emotion including those we hardly dare to admit to. I couldn’t put it down!’ 

K Blackburn in Cheshire, says, ‘The author’s elderly father has a myriad of health issues. Unlike his siblings, the Reluctant Carer doesn’t have a family of his own and moves back into his childhood bedroom to become a carer to his father and also his mother, who has been diagnosed with dementia.’ 

Liam Appleby, in Tyne and Wear, says, ‘It was funny in places, moving in others and captured the full emotions throughout the journey of caring for someone. Truly a great book.’ 

Sue in Argyll says, ‘I’ve been following the Reluctant Carer’s blog since they wrote an article in The Guardian back in 2019. At the time, I felt incredibly isolated – they were a revelation because they were describing my life, my emotions. 

‘I bought the book straight away and read it in bed, snorting with laughter and recognition.

‘My husband doesn’t usually like my book recommendations, but he snatched it from me when I’d finished and tore through it.’ 

Precious medicine 

One reader told us they related to many of the book’s challenging events and especially valued its use of humour. 

‘Although sad in themselves, these happenings are so incredibly off the planet you have to laugh (albeit silently). It’s the precious medicine the carer needs to retain their sanity and to keep caring. 

‘Being anonymous enables this amazing author, with his quirky sense of humour, to tell it “warts and all” in its stark reality.’ 

Onnica, in Greater Manchester, says, ‘The author’s writing style really drew me in – the realities of day-to-day caring were described with wit and often gallows humour. I found myself laughing at the absurdities and obstacles of bureaucracy that all carers must face.’ 

On Talking Point, Starting on a journey found the book ‘immensely readable’, but adds, ‘His entertaining style of writing, whilst easy for the reader, masked much of the gravity of the situation and perhaps covered up some of the meaning. In other words, joking about a poo explosion tones it down for the reader?’ 

However, K Blackburn notes, ‘Humour perhaps becomes a defence mechanism, a way to survive? If we don’t laugh, we’ll cry.’ 

Jean in Staffordshire says, ‘I laughed a lot and had a few tears too. Humour with dementia is making good memories for the future.

‘We too had Amazon calling several times a week, but it was me stabbing at the keys on my iPad, ordering because I couldn’t get out.’

A carer in Hampshire says, ‘The author is rude and funny about his parents’ idiosyncrasies (very funny at times), but he also lays bare his own shortcomings with unflinching honesty. 

‘I think anybody can relate to his story, you don’t even have to be a carer just a person, a son, a daughter, a parent. However, it will have a special resonance for carers who have given up so much to keep their partners or parents at home for as long as possible.’ 

Claustrophobia 

‘The Reluctant Carer is so good at writing about the claustrophobia of being a carer,’ says Sue. 

Noting references to time off from caring for work, and even a holiday, Starting on a journey asks, ‘How many of us get that?’ 

However, Jean says, ‘I would recommend this book – no, it doesn’t show the really dark and difficult side of dementia, but he wasn’t dealing with someone who had advanced dementia. He was dealing with two parents, both very elderly with lots of health issues.’ 

Our carer in Hampshire adds, ‘For me, the most powerful part of the book is when the author turns his anger and bitterness onto the scandalous deficiencies in the systems that are supposed to help us in sickness and crisis.’ 

Onnica says, ‘The book made me feel sad often, as we’re at the beginning of the end of our dementia journey. If it’s a mountain, we’re only at base camp. 

‘The book ended fairly abruptly, but in many ways it was perfect. There is no end to it, until the very end – and then what comes next will be different for everyone.’ 

The Reluctant Carer, by the anonymous Reluctant Carer (Picador 2022), 320 pages, £16.99 (prices vary), ISBN 9781529029352. Available in many libraries, and as an ebook or audiobook.