Dementia Support Line
What not to say to somebody with dementia
Words can be helpful and uplifting, but also hurtful and frustrating depending on the situation. Here, we look at some words and questions to try to avoid when talking to a person with dementia.
For a person living with dementia, language and communication can become more difficult over time. The type of difficulties a person will face as dementia progresses will be different for each individual.
The type and stage of the person's dementia will also be a factor. While the person living with the condition may have difficulties with finding the right word, the words that other people use are important too.
Good communication can be key to helping the quality of life for the person with dementia. Here are a few of the words and questions it may be best to avoid in conversation.
7 things to avoid saying to somebody with dementia
1. 'Remember when...?'
While it can be tempting to try and jog the memory of somebody living with dementia, this kind of question may highlight the fact that the person has memory problems. It can also sometimes feel like the person is being tested.
This can be a frustrating or painful experience, and there’s also no evidence that prompting the person in this way will help them to recall or hold on to memories. It can be pleasant and comforting to talk about the past, however, it’s usually more helpful to lead the conversation and allow the person to join in.
Try this instead:
Instead of posing a question, try leading with ‘I remember when…’. That way, the person can search their memory calmly without feeling embarrassed, then join in if they like.
2. 'I've just told you that'
It can be difficult answering the same question several times, especially when you are trying to keep frustration or upset from your voice.
However, reminding the person that you have just answered their question will not help them retain the information for next time, it is likely to just remind them of their condition. This can be distressing for you both. Bear in mind, that for them, it is likely to feel like the first time they have asked the question.
Try this instead:
Try to remember that the person cannot help repeating themselves. It is important for them to feel heard and understood.
Answer repeated questions calmly and patiently, with an even tone of voice. If you feel the need, take a break, and remove yourself from the conversation for a while.
3. 'Your brother died 10 years ago'
A person living with dementia may forget about a past bereavement or ask for somebody who has died. Reminding them of a loved one's death can be very painful, and they may react as though hearing the news for the first time all over again.
How to respond to these types of difficult questions will vary for different people in different circumstances, however, it's always important to show sensitivity and minimise any distress.
Try this instead:
For some people, encouraging them to talk about the person they are asking about can be comforting. Distraction techniques can be useful, although try not to avoid the question if they keep asking, as this can cause the person to feel more anxious.
Find out how the person is feeling, sometimes asking about a particular family member or friend is due to the person having an unmet need, such as wanting comfort or reassurance.
4. 'What did you do this morning?'
Avoid asking too many open-ended questions about the past, as it could be stressful for a person with dementia if they can’t remember the answer. While it might seem polite to ask somebody about their day, it’s better to focus on what’s happening in the present.
Try this instead:
Instead of asking them about their day, speak briefly about your day and give them time to ask you questions about it.
They might then offer information about what they have done. Talk to them about the present and use items in the environment such as photos or ornaments to stimulate conversation.
5. 'Do you recognise me?'
It can be distressing when somebody with dementia doesn’t recognise you, especially if you have a close relationship with them. Remember that it is likely to be upsetting for them to not recognise people around them too.
Asking the person if they know who you are can make them feel guilty or anxious if they don't remember or offended if they do.
Try this instead:
The way you greet somebody with dementia might change depending on the stage of their condition – judge for yourself but keep it friendly. A warm hello could suffice, or it may help to say your name and your relationship to them each time.
6. 'Let’s have a cup of tea now, then after that we can go for nice walk and get lunch and something else to drink in that café you like next to the big church in town.’
Long, complex sentences can be difficult to grasp for somebody with dementia. It's difficult to process several ideas at once as cognitive abilities slow down, so it's better to give directions or instructions one step at a time.
Try this instead:
Use short, simple sentences as much as possible. Avoid speaking too much in loud or busy environments, and wait until you have the person’s full attention before you start. During a conversation, give the person enough time to process what you are saying.
7. 'I'll just help you use your little spoon there, love?'
‘Elderspeak’ - which can involve talking in a high-pitched voice, using words like ‘love’ or ‘deary’, and generally speaking to the person like they are a child - should be avoided. This can be patronising and infantilising for a person with dementia.
Try this instead:
Always remember the person behind the dementia. It’s fine if the person needs you to speak slower than usual, but try to keep your tone of voice the same as with anyone else.
Some people may like being called ‘love’ or ‘dear’, but unless you know the person it is usually best to use their name instead. This helps keep their dignity intact.
This article was first published in 2017 and most recently updated in January 2024.
Carers: looking after yourself
Supporting a person with dementia can be challenging. Looking after yourself is important for both you and the person you are supporting.
jeanette
saysI am so discouraged. My husband has dementia and I feel our real problems are just beginning. Our scattered family was finally able to get together this past Christmas and it was disastrous. He swore constantly under his breath, was rude to all. He spends most of his time reading when we're alone and doesn't engage in conversation. I thought he would be fine with my daughters and sons in law. Before hand, I reassured him, if the conversation got too loud, he could feel free to get away to his room with his books.
Instead, he stayed to be so rude, everyone wanted to take early flights home. I've been so lonely for conversation and family and feel I may never be able to see them again. When he does speak to me, it's in an angry tone and I wait on him hand and foot. For the past three years, I've never left him for any length of time, because he has managed so well; but this extreme rudeness came with what I had hoped would be a wonderful reunion. I haven't seen my grandchildren in ages; and little hope for future visits. I have been encouraged to put him in Memory Care; but found that is just like babysitting with no therapy to get better.
We are both in our mid 80's and I want us to stay together as long as possible. We do have good days; but is there an answer to being able to see family occasionally? When they do come, it's
usually to help with tasks I find difficult; help us keep doctor appointments, put safety bars in bathrooms, etc. I feel I'm losing my family. I wish we could visit and just find time to talk about their lives, careers, and grandchildren. I feel guilty for feeling angry with his behavior; but I know it's the dementia, and I wouldn't feel
anger with cancer's symptoms. If it were me, I would want him to
be a good caretaker. And I know it's a blessing that I can help him.
It's just that I wasn't prepared for the isolation.
Cadabams Group
saysDementia isn’t a specific disease. Instead, dementia describes a group of symptoms affecting memory, thinking and social abilities severely enough to interfere with daily functioning. Though dementia generally involves memory loss, memory loss has different causes. So memory loss alone doesn’t mean you have dementia. There are different types of dementia. In this article, you will learn about the most widely publicized types of dementia, each of which will have different symptoms and behaviors most often associated with the disease.
http://www.cadabams.org/blog/types-of-dementia/
Denise
saysIs it helpful to show someone with dementia/Alzheimer’s pictures of something that happened the night before because they forgot the event or will it make them sadder that they forgot it. My niece and nephew (3 and 4) were making pizza. My sister took pictures and sent them to me. I asked my mom about it the next day but she didn’t remember. Should my sister show her the pictures or will it make her sad that she didn’t remember.
Mark Ede
saysMy father in law has prostate cancer in remission and diagnosed with dementia a year ago he is 80. He is cared for by his wife of 78 and his daughter of 58 who still lives at home. His dementia is bad and he talks of burning the house down etc. The other day he said he doesn't know why he has to take all the pills as he is not unwell. I've read all the comments here but does no one actually say to the person that they have dementia, they forget things and they have to take the tablets to make them well again. Your advice please. Thank you
Alison
saysThank you, this has helped me understand my mum so much more. She has just started asking where Barney the cat is- he died quite a long time ago.
I’m realising the importance of language.
Jan Bradley
saysI lost my Dad in October, he was main career to my Mom who has dementia. She lives alone with my support, but she forgets that Dad has passed and she goes next door looking for him. She seems to remember most times that he is gone, but then forgets. She wants to remain at home but I worry about her going outside. Can you give me some advice?
Alzheimer's Society
saysHi Jan, I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, and can understand your Mom’s feelings of confusion about his passing. Many people with dementia do go walking off in an effort to find their parents or their partner as they cannot retain information about what has happened to them.
There is rarely an issue with road safety as this is hard-wired in the memory from an early age, but the biggest hazards are not wearing enough clothing, or getting lost. This link may be useful: Walking about http://bit.ly/2r5fsN2
Many police forces also use the Herbert Protocol, mentioned in the link above, in which they can more easily locate, identify and return people if the family has given them information about the likely locations they may be in, photos and family contact details.
Keeping warm clothing by the front door can sometimes act as a reminder to put on a coat and hat. And you can get help cards from our Helpline: 0300 222 1122.
Elsa Coco
saysI felt exceptionally cheerful while perusing this site. This was truly extremely instructive site for me. I truly enjoyed it. This was truly a sincere post. Much obliged!. Live In Care Services London
david acuff
saysI lost my best friend back in September of Parkinsons and Dementia. I was her caregiver for the past 3 months of her life and lived with her for 8 years prior. She was in and out of the hospital and emergency for 4 times in 3 months and wound up in the nursing home, which was a huge blunder, which resulted in a terrible bed sore which never began healing. She passed away here at her home, which we elected to bring her back here. I will always love her and can't wait to see her again in Heaven.
david acuff
saysI lost my best friend back in September. I was her caregiver for the last 3 years and was with her for 8 years prior. She had parkinson's and dementia. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and many are accompanied with tears. At times I ask GOD how could he let her suffer for so long, and she did suffer a lot, being in and out of the hospital and emergency room about 4 times since June of this year. She wound up being placed in a nursing home, which was a huge blunder., which resulted in a terrible bed sore which did not heal at all. I cannot wait to see her again in Heaven.
Haley Petter
saysFirst of all thanks for this article which have a unique value due to old age people. anyhow i like and thanks for this topic. i hope you will post new one. thanks
Dementia Training for Carers
Karen barker
saysMy mother has dementia and I love her so much that I keep trying to keep her in her home and she seems to be with it one minute and off I space in another falling now can’t get the help she needs I am beyond exhausted I need help Thankyou karen barker
Hello Karen, thank you for your message. I can hear how much you love and care for your mum.
I am concerned that you have been struggling to get the help you both need. I am wondering if you have contacted social services as they can assess the care and support needs of the person with dementia and their carer, please take a look at the following link:
Needs assessment: https://bit.ly/2tlQJXI.
I am sorry to hear that your mum is starting to have falls. You may like to contact an occupational therapist (OT) by asking for a referral through the GP. Please click on the following link,
How the GP can support a person with dementia: http://bit.ly/2oFZuYe.
If you would like to speak further to a helpline adviser further, please click on the following link: https://bit.ly/2KbAbsl.
Best regards, Helpline team (Alzheimer's Society)
Barbara Cooper
saysThis is a good read to be more self-aware when you interact with people experiencing dementia.
sophie
saysWhat do people feel about giving the person with Alzeimers a written pocket history of their life as now they keep forgetting and thinking they have just moved out of a house they left over 30 years - Im wary as its rather a doom fun read ... a good life at the time but now stuff is slipping away. Has anyone find this helpful for the person.
Patria Aponte
saysMy mother has dementia and she is always complaining that she has a strong headaches or other type of pain. Sometimes she acts like she can't handle the headache, so I take her to the hospital. At the hospital they can't find anything wrong with her, and after few hours of been there she feels better and act like nothing happen. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to recognize when she is faking it or not. I need help!! I am the only one working and most of the time I have to take off to take her to the hospital.
Sincerely,
Patty
Hi Patty, I’m sorry to hear about your mother. It can be difficult for someone with dementia to express what is wrong. Although talk of pain should be taken seriously, there may be something else that is troubling her that can be alleviated by some distraction onto other thoughts or activities.
I would talk to her GP about this so that they can check her over. You might ask whether it’s OK to give her some regular painkillers such as paracetamol. I’m wondering whether she would have been given pain relief at the hospital that resulted in her feeling better?
You might also wish to consult Admiral Nurses, who are dementia-trained nurses. They have a helpline 0800 888 6678 and can provide advice from a medical point of view.
Kind regards,
Helpline advisor (Alzheimer's Society)
Josie Evans
saysI am so grateful for these tips given in this article. It is so much better when you are aware so you can be mindful of the persons feelings. Being able to address a person with Dementia or Alzheimer's will allow them to feel comfortable and bring joy to their hearts.
Thank you