Dementia Support Line
‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care
Here are some ways family members and primary carers can approach the difficult question, 'What do I say to someone with dementia in residential care who wants to go home?'
It's not uncommon for a person with dementia to say they want to go home. This may be caused by time-shifting or general confusion, and can be distressing for everyone.
Below are a few considerations on what to say to someone in this situation who wants to go home.
5 things to remember when someone with dementia is asking to go home
1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'
For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself.
‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist.
It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is.
If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.
Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home. Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past.
Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. They could be encouraged to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.
2. Reassure them of their safety
The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place.
Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe.
It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.
3. Try diverting the conversation
Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone. Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety.
It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....'
Alternatively, you could try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk.
4. Establish whether or not they are feeling unhappy or lonely
A person with dementia may want to 'go home' because of feelings of anxiety, insecurity, depression or fear.
Think about whether the person with dementia is happy or unhappy when they mention going home. If they are unhappy, it may be possible to discover why. If they cannot tell you why, perhaps a member of the staff or another resident knows why.
Like anyone, someone with dementia may act out of character to the people closest to them as a result of a bad mood or bad day.
Does the person with dementia keep talking about going home when people are not visiting them in the care home? Does he or she seem to have settled otherwise? Ask the staff in the home as they may know.
5. Keep a log of when they are asking to go home
Certain times of the day might be worse than others. What seems to be the common denominator about these times? Is it near meal times (and would a snack perhaps help)? Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day and possibly due to ‘sundowning’?
If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.
This article was first published in 2018 and most recently updated in January 2024.
How can dementia change a person's perception?
People with dementia experience changes in how they perceive things. This includes misperceptions and misidentifications, hallucinations, delusions and time-shifting
Paul Ettery
saysThis is very good advice the problem is that most care homes have a ratio of 1 carer to look after 7 residents its impossible for 1 carer to look after 7 people with dementia ,These poor carers are trained and given NVQ certificates so that when something goes wrong the care home can put all the blame on the carer ,The care homes are supposed to have enough carers to meet the needs of the resident but this never happens, The care homes and the councils collude together to pass the book I spent ten years visiting my mam in a care home Its a total betrayal of these poor people.
PETER JAY
saysMy darling wife has suffered Early Onset Alzheimer's Dementia for nearly 14 yrs. a quarter of our married life. I have looked after her constantly. We have gone through every stage of this dreadful condition. The, "I want to go home" stage lasted years. I would take her hand and walk with her for hours until we both collapsed. This stage is not confined to living in a care home.
Colin
saysI worked in the care profession for almost 40 years & have worked with some of the kindest staff & most caring family members & then l have dealt with some of the foulest staff & evil families out there.
Life is so cruel & hopefully the ignorant staff & families saw the kindness of other staff & families but being a cynical person - l doubt it, hopefully l was proved wrong.
Listening to some of the accounts brings a lump or two & a few tears,
Glenys Butler
saysMy Dad is in a care home,living with dementia.It is almost 1year since my Mum died and I had to break the news to him the following day. I promised him that I would always tell him the truth. He knows and understands that Mum is dead. We talk about her and try to remember the happy and funny times we had. He gets more upset if we do NOT talk about her than if we do,to not talk about her is to trivialise the 63 years they were married and the 61 years I had the most wonderful Mum in the world. What works for some may not work for others but we need to remember that these 'people with Dementia's are individuals not objects in a category or faceless creatures to be labelled in one size fits all way.
Cheryl
saysUnfortunately our beloved Dad passed away on Valentine's Day 2016 after living with dementia for over 4 years. Both our Mam and Dad were taken ill and taken to different hospitals on the same day at the end of December 2014. They never got back together or returned to their home before Dad died after 70 years married. Mam is now 99 and since going into care 4 years ago had a stroke and also suffers dementia. She is totally deaf her vision is very poor so can't read what we write on white boards anymore. She is totally reliant on the Homes carers to see to her every needs. It is heart breaking listening to her ask about those no longer with us especially our Dad who she seldom mentions. Dementia is such a cruel disease and one that touches so many people. Those with the condition and the loved ones who have to watch helpless as it takes them further away from us. She asks regularly about going home but it's not possible so we try and change the conversation. It is usually me that gets the shouting and yelling days but she is my Mam and I love her so will give her all the love and time I can whilst she is still with us. Sadly we couldn't take her home as she needs 24 hour care.
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Mary
saysPlease keep them in the green zone
Lie gently.
Change the subject
Agree with everything they say
“I want to go home”.....yes that is a good idea.
, let’s look at these ....,have some tea......
Tami renno
saysI think we can all agree that caring for someone with dementia is incredibly difficult and emotionally draining. I don’t think there are any good or bad answers here. I may try diverting my mom from wanting to see deceased family members, or wanting to go home one day and it works, the next day, absolutely not. The brain is literally dying, things are all jumbled up for her, I just try to keep her safe and as comfortable as possible. Each day, each minute even, are all so very different than the other...I will do and say anything for her, even if it’s just listening to the rants, if it makes her feel better at that particular moment. This is a horrible disease and it effects too many...my heart goes out to all of you and all your loved ones.
Michelle
saysHi my dad is 64 and has Alzheimer’s he’s had it a couple of years but he is deteriorating fast he can’t do anything for himself at all now. He lives in Scotland with his wife my stepmam and I live in Newcastle .my stepmother has been in hospital nearly two weeks now she is supposed to be having an op but is too poorly my sister has been looking after dad but has to go back to work in Edinburgh now I’m going up to look after him but will have to return to work in a couple of weeks. The support worker is not interested in helping getting permanent care for now and when my stepmam does leave hospital as she will not be able to look after him. Does anyone know who we can contact for help please we don’t know where or who to turn to. We HATE dementia too
Julia
saysHi Michelle I don't know how things work in Scotland but where I am the first place Togo would be Social services. Give them a ring and tell them your dad needs an urgent assessment for care. Explain the situation that there will be noone to care for him when you return to work If you are involved with your stepmother, speak to the ward and explain she will need support on discharge and that she ison cared for your dad souas no support at home. Also ring Alzheimer's help line for further advice. Best wishes, Julia
John stockdale
saysMy wife is 72 with vascular dementia and has a colostomy bag she doesn’t know what it is and is irritated by it and forever trying to pull it off, we are waiting for one to one funding so she can get the care she needs unfortunately the care home accepted her then realised that she needs constant care.so she had to be reassessed all this is so upset ting for everyone red tape takes forever
Howard Cooley
saysI have found these passages both revealing and very touching. Alzheimer's is a devastating condition. My wife is sometimes living intensely in her awful childhood and it's difficult to listen to her. My heart with gratitude to all those who understand and help however they can. Thank you.
Lucie
saysI have always found it better to look at the feelings behind the words. Ie I want my mum = safety, love, security, abandonment etc. And say I ask are you missing your mum. Usually this leads someone to say yes. Then I say you must love your mum very much, tell me all about her I bet she was lovely. There will always be exceptions but I know this approach has been used very successfully. It is distraction and acknowledging the PWD.
Jill Raines
saysI actually discussed this with my Mum. She would ask about those gone and told her they were dead because she wanted to be told. Periodically I could check with her. After some years she began to get distressed about it and I asked her outright whether it was too upsetting to be reminded and she said yes. Her choice.
H. Guttridge
saysMy mother is nearly 90 and has been in her care home for two and a half years. She has Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. She is always asking for her parents, my brother who I lost nearly 3 years and my father who I lost 10 years ago. It's upsetting for me having to say that Dad is at work or my brother is away on holiday. She doesn't know any different unfortunately. I live fairly close to the home but have left it increasingly longer between visiting times. Find it very hard to see her like that. We do also have some good laughs as well. I spend a couple of hours with her when I go in.
Sandra broomfield
saysJust starting to help my. Partner who was diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's in December 2018 . We have amazing care support from all sections and I myself am a retired carerand have worked with dementia. Yes there is no correct way it is a very individual choice of love care truth and white lies. Tenderness friendship and most of all laughter and tears. We r both going forward day by day as positive. as we can for as long as possible.
Margaret Park
saysFar too many comments to read in one go but I find when talking to people who do get confused, and forgetful that distraction does really help the system. Make a note of the useful distractions , the more simple they are the better, every day simple comments work quicker.