Information

Three people with dementia share some of their worst moments – and what’s helped

Content warning – includes personal accounts of suicidal thoughts and suicide. If you need support you can call Samaritans for free on 116 123.

We spoke to three people with dementia who told us about times they’ve questioned whether life is worth living, and even considered acting on these thoughts.

They share the things that have helped and continue to help when dealing with these feelings.

Glimmers of hope

Anita Goundry in County Durham was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and vascular dementia when she was 50.

‘I got my diagnosis over the phone and was left to cope on my own.

‘Covid hit and I couldn’t see a psychiatric nurse, nothing like that, and I spiralled. I was told I was depressed after a phone assessment, then I got a call to pick up some antidepressants. That’s all.

‘One day, I snapped. I debated whether my life was worth living. I was tearing my family apart.’

Anita started making preparations to take her own life, but thankfully she reached out.

‘We had an Alzheimer’s Society leaflet, it said “if you need help, ring us”. I called and if it wasn’t for the lady who answered, I’d have acted on those thoughts.

‘It’s not been easy since then. I will always be on antidepressants. I’ve been through more difficult times, especially since the death of my best friend.

I get through with the support of my family and being honest about how I feel.

‘When I recognise the signs, like not wanting to get up, I get help.

‘You’ve got to speak up and reach out as soon as suicidal thoughts come up.

‘Don’t think it’s a one-off because once they’ve been triggered, they tend to reoccur.

‘To fight them, you need help. You cannot do it all by yourself.

‘I managed to find a glimmer of hope. And I realised that while I couldn’t go back to the old me, I could be a new me and the best new me I could possibly be. Therapy helped me.

‘I started to go out and do things, I started to campaign about dementia. I’ve got new passions and hobbies. I found love again.

I liked the old me, but I quite like the new me too.

Someone to talk to

An anonymous contributor was diagnosed with dementia at age 55 during the second Covid lockdown.

‘The news was delivered by phone on a Friday morning.

‘This catastrophic event left me floundering. I had no one to talk to, I spent the weekend on Google – in hindsight, not a good idea.

‘There was only bad news. Sunday afternoon, I told my wife, “I want to go to Switzerland.” Alzheimer’s Society helped to change that mindset. That was not a comfortable place to be.

‘My wife has been outstanding, not only in her support, but in recognising when I am getting low moods. Sometimes, I think I am just having a bad day, but it shouldn’t be every day.

‘I know I am not currently suicidal, as I have tried it in the past, twice. So, I can recognise the symptoms and hopefully get help before I reach crisis point.

‘The first attempt was in 1999. That was a very low period in my life. Soon after this, I was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder. People with this mild but long-lasting condition may also have bouts of major depression.

‘When the symptoms were explained to me, I realised that I had been depressed for most of my life.

‘I don’t have a magical panacea. I just try to remember that every morning I wake up starts as a good day. 

‘It might go downhill almost immediately, but it has the chance not to.

‘The main difference these days is I have someone to talk to. Also, a certain amount of self-awareness helps, not navel-gazing but being honest with myself and loved ones.

‘I can’t do it on my own, most can’t, and those who claim they can are probably mistaken.

If you are struggling, find someone to talk to – family, a friend or even a professional, they might be able to help you get out of the rut.

Little steps forward 

Martin, in Aberdeenshire, was diagnosed with posterior cortical atrophy (PCA) in 2016.

‘People with dementia sometimes think their families will be better off without them. The truth is they won’t stop caring just because you’re not there.

‘PCA hits your emotions. One minute, you can be sky high and the next, you’re down a rabbit hole. And certain things happened that made me go down that hole.

‘I kept it to myself, I didn’t tell anyone.

‘Digging myself out was a slow process.

‘My brother took his own life in the 90s. Thinking of him stopped me going any further.

‘I have lifelong guilt about him. It never leaves. I couldn’t do it to my family.

I had counselling. I did things that made me feel wanted again. I’m now involved with research and various organisations, including a mental health charity.

‘If you’re sat at home, going downhill and able to use the internet, look for reputable organisations who can help or get to a library or health centre, they’ll be able to give you information.

‘Take little steps forward. Find distractions, focus on new things. Find something that engages your brain. If you can slowly shift your mind for a few minutes, it’ll turn into a few hours, days, weeks.

‘Get outdoors every day, even if it’s five or 10 minutes. I go for a walk whatever the weather. Even if you’re in a chair in your garden, that helps.

‘Have a plan ready for times you know will be hard. Treat yourself.

‘Feeling better isn’t easy, and there’s no shortcut. Remember, just because someone says something works for them, it might not work for you.

‘Most importantly, don’t feel ashamed about how you’re feeling. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last.’