Real stories

Learning from life’s ups and downs to help stay positive after a dementia diagnosis

Every morning when Howard Ducille wakes up, he repeats the same mantra to himself: ‘However bad it is, there is someone out there who has it worse than you.’ 

He says that this perspective, along with acceptance of life’s ups and downs, has made his experience of dementia less rocky than might be expected. 

While I do get frustrated with my dementia – and not being able to remember things like I used to and not being able to use computers anymore – I do thank whoever is up there that I’m now in my late 70s, and still here and still able to enjoy things.’

Diagnosis and acceptance 

Howard was diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2021 following several ministrokes. However, he believes that symptoms had started to appear before then. 

‘It started when I was in a car crash. It was a head-on crash and, while I don’t think it was completely my fault, I did seem to blank out and couldn’t really remember why it happened. 

‘I was then diagnosed with vascular dementia and, I have to admit, I wasn’t overly bothered. That’s what I was told and that was that. 

There is no point arguing about it, you’ve just got to go along with it and try and make do the best you can.

Early days 

Howard says being able to take things as they come may in part be due to a life that hasn’t always been smooth sailing. 

Born to an African Jamaican father and mixed African and Welsh mother in Liverpool’s Toxteth area, Howard’s upbringing with his younger brother had its challenges. 

Though Liverpool has one of the UK’s oldest Black communities, he says that racism and even racial violence was a constant background threat as a boy. He and his brother had to learn to defend themselves from an early age. 

‘Wherever we went, we were the only two Black boys and I always made sure I looked after him.

We had to learn to keep our heads down, because in Liverpool at the time every street had its own gang.

The brothers also spent some time in the care system and had a difficult relationship with their father. 

However, Howard was always close to his mother and, when she moved to Birmingham in the 1950s, he went with her. She would later develop Alzheimer’s disease, and Howard and his family helped to care for her. 

Love of his life 

It was in Birmingham that Howard would meet the love of his life, his late wife Hazel. 

There were difficulties in the early stages of their relationship, especially with Hazel’s father. He had been a German prisoner of war who stayed in England after meeting her mother. 

‘We got married in a very small ceremony without her family there, but he changed when our daughter was born. 

‘He opened up to me from then and even told me about his experiences of fighting in the war, being captured by the British and meeting Hazel’s mother while he was being held in a POW camp.’ 

Hazel died of cancer in 2010. From their marriage until her death, she and Howard were inseparable. He calls it a perfect partnership, raising two children and running a newsagent business together for a time. 

She never had an angry word for anyone, and we never argued either. 

‘When the kids were young and I was still going out too much and being irresponsible, one day she said to me calmly, “If you keep on like this, we’re leaving you.” That was enough to make me stop and be more responsible. 

‘Even when our newsagent business failed and we went bankrupt and lost our house, she was very calm about it. She was very stoic. 

‘It was about making the best of the situation you found yourself in and she made the place we then had to move into our home. 

‘Our life together was just about laughter and love.’ 

Building a life together 

Following bankruptcy, Howard rebuilt his career. He worked as a manager at the Jaguar car factory in Castle Bromwich, responsible for a team of sheet metal workers and managing schedules. 

Hazel worked at a mental health hospital, supporting people with complex needs such as schizophrenia. Howard says she was very popular for her patience and kindness.

He and Hazel moved to his current home in Aston in the 1990s. They continued to share a mutual love of music and gardening.

They also had the opportunity to travel, including to Jamaica where he met cousins and carried out more research on the Ducille family, as well as to Spain and the Dominican Republic. 

To make up for their original small-scale wedding, they later renewed their vows at a church ceremony with lots of friends and family in attendance. 

Memories of Hazel 

Although he remains devastated by her death 14 years on, Howard has learned to appreciate what they had. He also treasures how Hazel’s memory lives on through their daughter. 

‘Wherever we went we made friends, and when Hazel passed away there were 230 people from all across the UK who came to her funeral. The people from her work were allowed to extend their lunch breaks so they could attend. 

‘We were very happy together. I am a happy-go-lucky person and, while I wish she hadn’t gone, we had a good life together and we enjoyed it. 

I have all these beautiful memories of her and every one of them involves laughter.

Focused on the future 

Despite setbacks and heartbreak, Howard remains focused on the future. He’s determined to live the best life he can, despite any dementia-related frustrations. 

Howard wants to continue to live in the home he and Hazel made for themselves for as long as he can. He still often hosts his grandchildren and great-grandchildren for meals and family functions. 

His pride in his home is reflected by a well-kept garden, which he says he is always maintaining and always looking to add to with new plants and flowers. He’s also involved in a newly-formed residents’ association for the close where he lives.

Plenty to do 

Once Howard was diagnosed with vascular dementia, he wasted no time in joining local groups and making friends with other people with dementia. 

He now regularly attends two groups – one for African Caribbean elders in Aston, as well as a dementia café in nearby Sutton Coldfield. 

‘I am everyone’s friend in the two groups, especially as I like to chat and make jokes. If I see someone who is a bit shy or a bit quiet, I normally just go and sit next to them and start talking to them! 

I do find attending the groups really helps me because of socialising, but also because we play cards and listen to music, which I think does help with the brain. 

‘A couple of months ago at the Sutton Coldfield group, there was a man who was doing a course at college about dementia and music. 

‘He had this big box of music and I said to him, “Have you got anything by Etta James?” To my surprise he did, and he started to play it. 

‘The woman sitting next to me started to tap her feet, and before you knew it the whole place was up and dancing. It was wonderful.’ 

Howard regularly sees a friend of more than 60 years, with whom he goes to the shops and the pub. He enjoys weekly lunches with his daughter too. 

Howard also plans to attend a soul and reggae music festival on the south coast in 2025, saying that he always ends up making new friends at such events. 

If ever you ask Howard what he has coming up in the future, he flashes his characteristic smile and says, ‘Plenty.’