Advice

Coping with guilt when a person with dementia moves into a care home

If a relative or friend with dementia has to move into a care home, you may experience lots of difficult emotions, including guilt. 

We asked members of Dementia Support Forum and Dementia together magazine readers for their advice and experiences.

Time is a healer

Dutchman says, ‘Guilt for placing your loved one into a home is normal and very common. All I can say is the hurt does get less. 

And I’ve realised that the care home was the kindest thing I could do for my wife.

‘On your own, you cannot cope with dementia and all its bizarre behaviours. I wanted to but, in the end, I was wrung out like an old flannel.’

Go easy on yourself

Gill Barratt says, ‘One needs physical assistance to help them to remain in our homes. This is very expensive and there’s no social care package or dementia strategy locally.’ 

Tell yourself you’ve done everything possible to enable their safety and their now, journey.

Cat69 says, ‘We had to make the awful decision to put Dad in a home. I grieve for not seeing him in his home anymore.

‘But as time has gone on these thoughts have lessened, although I still hate it and would rather he was at home.

‘I just have to remind myself that I had no choice and he is now safe.’ 

Look after yourself and remind yourself that you had no choice.

Coping strategies

Speccybecky says, ‘I would blame the medics, i.e. “The doctor says you have to be here for now”. 

‘My dad would ask when he was going home and the answer was always “When the doctor says you can”.

Fortunately, he soon forgot and settled down. 

‘Just made his room into his home and eventually he thought we’d bought him a wee flat!’

Toto2 says, ‘Ask if it would be possible to stay for a few days with them? 

‘This way they would not feel like they were being left somewhere unfamiliar. 

‘Failing that, they might allow extra-long visits for the first couple of weeks.

For someone with dementia, any little change in routine appears to upset them. 

‘So the more their room can be made to look like a room in the home they left, the better.’ 

Sarah Shutt says, ‘My advice is try describing the care home as something different. 

I have described the home as a rehab centre to my father, which sounds far nicer.

‘The words “care home” strike fear into most people.’ 

Focus on your relationship

Dumyat says, ‘Putting my mum into a home turned into a positive experience.

She was safe, and she responded well to the routine and activities in the care home. 

‘We had a better relationship when all the worry and stress was removed from my shoulders.’ 

Jess33 says, ‘When I feel guilt, I remind myself that Nana always said “I've had a good life, you have to live yours” and that she is safer in the home.

We have been taking small items that will bring her a feeling of home and comfort such as cushions, photos, blankets. 

‘And I’m reading Contented Dementia by Oliver James which is helping to gain some insight into ways I can enjoy time with her and keep her reassured.’ 

T Fermer says, ‘When choosing a home try to spend some time seeing how staff interact with residents. Talk to other visitors.

‘When you have visited and wish to leave, tell a member of staff so that they can distract your family member for a short time. 

Remember that they may pick up on your anxiety.

‘My mum gradually settled down and treated one or two of the staff as if they were her own family. They became our friends too!

‘If, after about 3–4 months, your gut feeling is telling you that things are not right, then give notice and move your loved one.’