Advice for someone worried about bending the truth to avoid unnecessary distress for a person with dementia

We asked members of Talking Point for their tips for someone worried about bending the truth to avoid unnecessary distress for a relative or friend who has dementia.

Talking Point is a helpful community that’s free and open 24/7, where anyone who’s affected by dementia can get valuable support online.

Sarasa says,

‘When Mum asked if I’d seen her parents lately, I replied not very recently but they were fine when I did. Of course, her parents died 50-odd years ago, but it was true they were fine when I last saw them.’

Marler19 says,  

‘My mother does ask about phoning her mother (dead for 52 years) and the “love lie” works when I say, “Well, she’d be quite a good age now, maybe she can’t come to the phone.” 

‘We are so trained as children to think lying is wrong, but for someone who lives in the space between reality and confabulation, maybe it really does make life easier for everyone.

‘It certainly keeps my mum happier.’ 

RosettaT says,

‘I see no harm in “love lies” if they are told for the wellbeing of the person and not under the guise of cheating them or covering wrongdoings.’

Mobbin17 says, 

‘I didn’t really lie, just avoided extra details. My mum would say that her brother was the gardener at the home and asked if I’d seen him and I would say no, I must have missed him. To tell that he had died 11 years ago would mean that she lost him again and again.’ 

Lawson58 says,

‘I think the important thing about love lies is that it is a way of helping the person to stay in a stable frame of mind, as far as that is possible.

‘That form of answer reduces the amount of stress and tension in your own voice, and that is important as many people respond to the tone of the voice rather than what is actually said.’ 

Pork Pie lady says,

‘I often distract my husband by asking what he means, giving vague answers or trying to change the subject. Sometimes, when he is in the right frame of mind and says something that is clearly wrong, I can talk about his head playing tricks on him.’

taliahad says,

‘My mother needed new underwear but she will not accept anything new, so I had to lie and say that her new items were not new, she chose them herself a long time ago. It’s either that or let her go around in worn-out clothes, which her normal self would be horrified at.’ 

jennifer1967 says,

‘I think that you have to take each situation, each stage as it is then, and do what you think will work for your situation.

‘I am normally truthful with my husband but there were times I needed to be a bit secretive, with his aggression, as to what I was saying to protect me.

‘Where I could, I told him what’s happening and why.’ 

asana says,

‘I’m trying to negotiate the tightrope between speaking the truth but not being unkind or inappropriate, or – in another pitfall – making it all about me and my comfort zone rather than him.’ 

lemonbalm says,

‘Mum couldn’t be in my world, so I had to go into hers. Saying things to help make that world a kinder place never felt like lying to me.

‘It felt a bit like being in somebody’s dream – and trying to stop it becoming a nightmare.’