Real stories

How dementia has changed our lives and relationship as a couple

Dementia can affect relationships in lots of different ways and coping with the changes it brings can often be challenging.  

After dealing with the shock of her dementia diagnosis, life for Sarah and her husband Martyn looks very different to what they had envisaged for their later years. 

But they are finding a way through together and intend to savour the positives in every day. 

Sarah’s outlook on dementia

Who were you before onset?

Life was good. I was Principal of an educational charity for people with dyslexia, ADHD and dyscalculia. It was a busy job but I loved it.

I was an open, friendly person and liked to draw and paint. 

I sewed, knitted, crocheted and made patchwork quilts.

Martyn and I were looking forward to retirement. We wanted to buy a motor home to travel around the UK and had plans to do lots of things to the house.

Who were you before diagnosis? 

In my early 50s I started getting overwhelmed, felt I couldn’t organise things and was getting confused.

I didn’t feel in control and couldn’t work out what I was supposed to be doing. 

I had to write everything down and that wasn’t me.

I lost all my confidence and, in the end, I decided to leave my job. I was heartbroken. It was hard for me going to new places and meeting people, so I stopped going out and got quite depressed.

Who are you now?

I broke down when I got the diagnosis of vascular dementia two years ago. I thought dementia happened to people in their 80s and this wasn’t the way my life was supposed to be.

Martyn and I told our family straight away as we thought it was best people knew, but I still felt terrible.

Life can be a struggle but Martyn has been fantastic.

Our relationship has changed because now he is my ‘carer’ but what keeps us going is humour. We laugh all the time and try to find something good in every day.

Martyn’s outlook on dementia

Who were you before onset?

I was deputy head of a prep school for 25 years. I worked long hours and it was stressful, but it was still a fabulous job. Part of my role was Head of Sport.

I left in 2016 but the school took me back as a senior master in charge of estates and preparing the school for inspections before I retired in 2021.

I was a hockey coach, I cycled and ran, and was looking forward to travelling and doing up our house.

Who were you before diagnosis? 

After Sarah left work she became manic and withdrawn. She was seeing a therapist but I was concerned they were making her worse by dredging things up.

I knew Sarah wasn’t right but I was at the peak of my career and we had a mortgage to pay. 

I couldn’t give everything up to look after her, which made me feel guilty.

When she got the dementia diagnosis a few years ago it was a shock, but it was more difficult when we didn’t know.

Who are you now?

Sport is an outlet and I have a strong faith which helps, as I feel God is looking after me.

I have learnt patience. 

I used to want everything now but now I am a lot more chilled.

Luckily I can leave Sarah at home and I make time for myself meeting friends for coffee, playing golf and helping out at church.

There are times when we have to cancel plans but you have to embrace it. 

This isn’t how we thought things would be, but life can still be good.