Carers' tips: Christmas plans

Carers share advice on including a person with dementia over the festive period.

Family Christmas

LynneMcV says,

‘Over the past five years we have had my brother around for Christmas. It has gone well but I have found that, with each year that passes, my husband has become increasingly overwhelmed by chatter and laughter over the course of the day, even with our best efforts to keep things low-key. I take care of the presents from both of us, and our son or daughter helps him wrap up a present for me. This works well and takes any pressure off him.’ 

'Try not to be disappointed if they show little or no interest in decorations, cards or presents,' says Witzend.

Witzend says,

‘Keep it quiet and simple, not too many people, noise or fuss. If at all possible, keep the person in their familiar surroundings, and stick as far as possible to their routine, usual timings of meals etc. Try not to be disappointed if they show little or no interest in decorations, cards or presents. Ditto if, despite all the evidence around them, they don’t even seem aware that it’s Christmas. Even before she was bad enough to need 24/7 care, this was the case with my mother.’ 

Jo Sutton says,

‘I’m dreading Christmas, as Mum refuses to believe her parents are dead and gets very upset when she doesn’t see them or even get a present or card from them on her birthday and at Christmas. We now spend Christmas on our own – Mum, my husband and I. It’s pretty dismal. In a way, it’s more upsetting for me, listening to everyone else discussing their various party plans and knowing that, for us, it will just be a day like every other. I really miss the Christmases full of people and laughter.’ 

‘Try not to be driven by the “guilt monster”,' says DMac.

DMac says,

‘Take a long look at the person with dementia, and try to make a frank assessment of their ability to enjoy Christmas celebrations, based on their current abilities and needs. Then make plans accordingly, and have a plan B. If, like my mother-in-law, the person is in a care home and you plan to bring them to your home, be prepared to take them back at a moment’s notice should the need arise.

‘Try not to be driven by the “guilt monster”. If other well-meaning, but uninformed or inexperienced, family members are applying pressure, I suggest giving them some caring responsibilities for the day. For example, if they insist on putting on a big Christmas dinner for Grandma, tell them that’s OK, but only as long as they take responsibility for picking Grandma up and driving her back to the care home at the end of the day.’ 

Rob_E says,

‘We have scaled it right down as it became extremely stressful. Mum used to send out around 100 cards, many to people she hasn’t seen for decades. Now we just send them to close friends and family. She last cooked dinner in 2013 and struggled with that, doing the food shopping twice.

‘The only thing that does worry me is that I am off work for the whole Christmas week and, while I love the break from work, it means I am around more to get stressed about the situation. And I always worry about where we will be in another 12 months.’ 

‘I’m still winging it and adapting as circumstances change,' says NorthBankDave.

NorthBankDave says,

‘I’m still winging it and adapting as circumstances change but last year I tried to keep it simple, make sure Mum felt safe and made sure that there was lots of comforting, nostalgic, light hearted television that she would enjoy. I have no expectations of relaxing or enjoying Christmas myself and I just try to take it like another day.’ 

Baker17 says,

‘It will be my first year of being on my own at Christmas as my husband is now in a home. I asked when visiting the other day if it was OK to visit on Christmas Day and they said would I like to have my lunch there, so that’s what I’m planning to do. But I’m not mentioning it to him as he wouldn’t remember anyway, so it will be a nice surprise for him hopefully!’

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13 comments

My last 3 Christmas have been fairly awful. Mom gets upset if you won’t invite her for Christmas but then can’t cope. Last year she just sat at my mother in laws saying it was strange all day and only ate a custard cream all day. Very distressing for my mother in law who is lovely and has gone through a lot with cancer. The year before, during covid, I took mom and my brother Christmas dinner, she insisted on cooking her normal every day chicken dinner and giving the turkey to my brother because she always has chicken for tea. The year before that she sat in my lounge with the family and tipped half salt cellar on her dinner because she likes salt and spent the rest of the time muttering. Each year it upsets everybody but she can’t remember and gets in a rage if we tell her it’s best we come to visit her.
Heartbreaking reading these stories very familiar to me . I am mums full time 24/7 carer I haven’t had a normal life for 3 years I too am dreading Christmas I’ve just tried to put up a few decorations , that proved stressful … like the other families Mum is fixated on her Mum and siblings who are no longer here . She doesn’t always believe I’m her daughter , walks out of the house & tries to get on buses back to where she think she lives. There is no downtime or peace , as soon as I’m not in her eyeline even if she’s asleep she will get up and follow me . Panic attacks every day and anger frustration . I keep the environment as calm as I can but it’s hard as I’m working from home . Currently hoping for a Care home that she could settle in 3 so far have turned me down but listening to your stories she’s not out if the ordinary …. All the abuse can be managed it’s just the illness & fear as ages so confused . Sending love out there to all the fellow carers this is the hardest loneliest thing I’ve ever done … you learn along the way . I’ve had no help at all other then reading stuff in here to get some insight into her condition .
Love to you Lisa. Hope you find a good care home.
Hi Lisa My brother lives with my Mum most of the year but usually tries to get home to his wife in Thailand for Christmas. This year he's cooking dinner for Mum, his daughter and granddaughter so that we can look after my husband's parents on Christmas Day. Your comments have given me a better understanding of how difficult it is for him at times. He spends time in the shed when he needs a break so he can phone his wife or me in peace. I call Mum on the portal via a video call most days if not every day as I can't always visit her. It helped her feel less isolated during covid restrictions but I'm so grateful for the carers who visit her 4 times each day to help with medication, meals and personal care etc Last year we brought mum to have dinner with my husband's parents in our home but we realised she wouldn't cope with that this year so I feel grateful that my brother has offered to cook this year. Mum loves having his daughter and granddaughter round as they keep her entertained but she gets tired quickly these days so it will be interesting to see how it all goes. My Christmas preparations are all behind as I've needed to take Mum to so many appointments etc but we've bought her Christmas cards and hope to start writing them out as well as our own as we soon as we get a few minutes. Hopefully you'll get some time to rest and enjoy your favourite pastimes or connect with others in some way. Mum's always apologetic if she falls asleep during our visits but we make the most of the quiet time when we can turn the TV down as she's also hard of hearing. May you find a measure of peace and joy in the simple things this Christmas and may you be able to enjoy some quiet time with your Mum despite the challenges of living with dementia. Take care of yourself in any way you can so you can get through this challenging time. Thinking of you and praying that this Christmas will be special for you both 🙏
It’s good to share with so many people the heartache of the descent into severe Alzheimers. My wife Susan has PCA so is blind as well as increasing Alzheimer’s symptoms, today I’ve noticed a leaning to the right. It’s hard but we love the person so I for one will continue as long as possible. Noise and movement are upsetting and she now makes her feelings felt by shouting ‘shut up’.
My mum has now passed but had Dementia for many years. We looked after her while she stayed in her own home for a few years. She was then in a lovely care home for nearly 6 years At Christmas time when she came to us for dinner I found that it was easier to keep the Festivities as normal as poss which kept our stress levels down and if there was a moment when she was agitated just to give her a small task to do and she’d enjoy that and calm down.Of course she had memory lapses and we would just carry on and not make an issue as this makes the person feel worse I found. Mum was always smiling and happy usually and although she didn’t know who we were anymore we made sure she felt loved and included. Don’t despair keep your life as normal as you can and enjoy what time you have left with your loved one as I’m sure deep down they know more than you think
My Nana Mary Grey have vascular dementia when she died on 3th May 2020 78 year old sleep at Norfolk & Norwich University Hospital
Trying to tell family that my husbands 95th birthday on Boxing Day is going to be very quiet. He doesn’t like lots of people around him now. I am going to try to get a rota with an hours break between visits. With his dementia he doesn’t recognise close family members and is social for a short period of time. Some do not understand.
We were planning to have all the family round at Mum's on Boxing Day as that had been our family tradition for most of our lives. However reading your comments I'm wondering if that would be overwhelming for Mum this year as her mixed dementia is progressing to a point that she's not remembering who the people are that's she's received Christmas cards from and can't remember if she's eaten or taken medication on a quiet day so goodness knows how she'll cope with a house full. The idea of having different members of the family visit at different times on a rota basis sounds like a great idea and will probably be less overwhelming for Mum. Thanks for sharing your thoughts as we had just thought it would be great to for us all to get together as it's the 1st Christmas period without covid restrictions since 2019 and we'd wanted to replicate our old family traditions thinking Mum would enjoy that.

My father in law has dementia. We are his only family and live over 100 miles away. He stays with us and our young family every Christmas. We went to pick him up yesterday and this evening is his first with us. He hasn’t slept all night (currently 2.30am and on 4th wake up/wander). He can’t settle in the room he normally stays in, says it’s too small and doesn’t work for him. I think it’s to disorienting to stay with us but if we take him home, he will be totally alone all Christmas. He has carers who visit him at home but I think we’re approaching the need for full time care. Any advice? Do we take him home to be alone or keep him here and try to settle him?

Hi Sarah,

We're very sorry to hear about your father in law, it sounds like you and your family are going through a difficult time.

We'd strongly recommend calling our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 for more information and advice on how to manage your father in law's situation. More details about the support line (including Christmas opening hours) are available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line

We hope this helps, Sarah.

Alzheimer's Society blog team

Hi Sara From personal experience people with the condition mentioned need to feel safe, if that’s at home try for more support and company and visit as often as you can, make good memories not regrets.

Asking for advice.
My mother-in-law has vascular dementia and my feeling is that we keep her at home during the festive days and visit, or have her come and stay for a few hours with one or another of family members.
Her confusion is getting a lot worse and her physical ability also is suffering.
I'm fearful that this might add to her confusion.