Dementia Support Line
‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care
Here are some ways family members and primary carers can approach the difficult question, 'What do I say to someone with dementia in residential care who wants to go home?'
It's not uncommon for a person with dementia to say they want to go home. This may be caused by time-shifting or general confusion, and can be distressing for everyone.
Below are a few considerations on what to say to someone in this situation who wants to go home.
5 things to remember when someone with dementia is asking to go home
1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'
For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself.
‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist.
It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is.
If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.
Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home. Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past.
Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. They could be encouraged to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.
2. Reassure them of their safety
The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place.
Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe.
It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.
3. Try diverting the conversation
Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone. Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety.
It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....'
Alternatively, you could try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk.
4. Establish whether or not they are feeling unhappy or lonely
A person with dementia may want to 'go home' because of feelings of anxiety, insecurity, depression or fear.
Think about whether the person with dementia is happy or unhappy when they mention going home. If they are unhappy, it may be possible to discover why. If they cannot tell you why, perhaps a member of the staff or another resident knows why.
Like anyone, someone with dementia may act out of character to the people closest to them as a result of a bad mood or bad day.
Does the person with dementia keep talking about going home when people are not visiting them in the care home? Does he or she seem to have settled otherwise? Ask the staff in the home as they may know.
5. Keep a log of when they are asking to go home
Certain times of the day might be worse than others. What seems to be the common denominator about these times? Is it near meal times (and would a snack perhaps help)? Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day and possibly due to ‘sundowning’?
If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.
This article was first published in 2018 and most recently updated in January 2024.
How can dementia change a person's perception?
People with dementia experience changes in how they perceive things. This includes misperceptions and misidentifications, hallucinations, delusions and time-shifting
Kate
saysAnna martinez
saysHello Anna and thanks for getting in touch.
If you are based in the UK, we recommend speaking with one of our dementia advisers about your sister. They can answer your questions about dementia, and provide you with advice and support.
Please call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. (More information on opening times, and other methods of contact, can be found here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line)
If you're based in the US, please contact the Alzheimer's Association helpline: https://alz.org/help-support/resources/helpline
Or if you're based in Canada, please contact the Alzheimer's Society of Canada helpline: https://alzheimer.ca/en/Home/ContactUs
In the meantime, members of our online community recently shared their advice for anyone worried about bending the truth to avoid unnecessary distress for a person with dementia: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-and-factsheets/dementia-together/advice-worried-bending-truth-unnecessary-distress-dementia
You might benefit from joining our online community. Talking Point is the ideal place for carers and other people affected by dementia to share their personal experiences, and offer advice and support to others going through similar situations. You can browse the conversations within the community or sign up for free: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk
We hope this is helpful for now.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Hilary
saysI started working in a personal care home and one man wants to go home. I am not sure if what we are saying is helping though, but Iwas told it makes him happy. I worry that it is doing the opposite. The resident will first ask “am I going home?” And then I was told to say “yes, tomorrow, your daughter will be picking you up” and sometimes I will hold his hand when he reaches. He will ask when and who will do it, and then at the end he will start singing “I’m going home tomorrow” in a “nananana boo boo” tune. I don’t think it is a life-giving interaction that happens many times. I am wondering what I could say instead if there are any ideas. Thanks.
mena cashback
saysI like your versatility and unique blogs. Your writing style is really human friendly and I like to stay on your blog which truly increases my knowledge and information.
Roomi
saysOur dad recently passed away and “I want to go home” started only then. We take it in turns to be with mum at her house alongside a carer. We also think she’s talking about her childhood home or maybe a home where dad lived with her and looked after her needs. Even when dad was alive mum had a carer going in and we mum’s children visited on a very regular basis. Since dad’s death mum is obviously very unsettled and the phrase I want to go home is always on her lips. Mum initially knew dad had passed away but now she thinks he’s gone to work.
Sarah
saysEddie
saysMy mom has dementia and is in the sundowners portion. During the day most of the time she's fine she knows what is going on, but later in the evening she starts to want to go home and it's not so much that she just wants to go home, she wants to see her mom who passed away in 1968. I live with her and take care of her the house she is living in she has been living in since it was built in 1960. This happens every night and I try deflecting and I try changing the subject but she still goes right back to wanting to go home to see her mom.
JoJo
saysNo need to tell her that her mom passed away. Don’t try to bring her to your reality, instead ask questions about her mom, how was it growing up with her mom, etc …validate her feelings …and so on to the point you two will be talking about something else… offer her warm favorite drink etc
Marion
saysI’m going tru the same with mom i just want to know how long it last this period of I’m want to go home
Thank you
Joann
saysMy hubby does the same thing each day around 2 pm. Sundowning. He says I want to go home or I will not come here anymore after living here 42 years. So I say okay let’s get in the car and I will take you home. He then says but I want to be with you. No matter what I say he keeps it up for hours. So I take him out for a walk and that changes his mind
William George
saysI’m 80 been in this house for 22 years I want to go home is a daily occurrence for my wife of 58 years her home is with her parents both passed years ago no matter how I treat this topic it always ends badly stay strong try to keep her memories alive. We are fortunate with garden and plenty of room god help those in a flat . We have had nothing from mental health or go just mementine and larasopam just drug them to keep quiet how sad
Janine
saysHow do you know when is the right time to move to care
Hi Janine,
Thanks for your comment.
We have some information on our website that you may find helpful: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/care-homes…
If you select the green 'save this information' button on that page, you can also download, print or order a free copy of the publication in the post.
You can also call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. One of our dementia advisers can learn more about your situation and give tailored information, advice and support. You can find more details (including opening hours) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
We hope this helps, Janine.
Alzheimer's Society web team
Wayne Hedges
saysIs it normal for dementia patients to be aggressive when moving into a care home
Lisa
saysThank you for this. I work in an LTC facility and hear this almost every day but never really thought of "home" as more of a concept than a physical place. I'm going to share this with my coworkers.
Sydney
saysAmazing tips. Thanks for sharing it.
Haider Raza
saysWhatever happens, my mom lives with me. Sorry, I want to correct my statement. I live with my mom who is suffering from dementia and she is 86 years old. This is the right statement for a mother who brought you into this world. I would kill my career and stay with my mom. This is the culture we have in Pakistan. To take care of aging parents and not to send them to retirement homes.
DaughterCare
saysHow do you pay the bills and put food on the table? What about your own mental health?
Haider Raza
saysIt is a good question. I am working and did not search for any better job outside the city or country.
Money is important but it is the least important thing among the most important things.
Regarding mental health, it is fine as I have not reached that age where you see the symptoms.
I have a firm belief that if I live long enough, my kids will take care of me. God willing.
Sarah
saysI think theywant your mental health
LIN ADAMS
saysChristine
saysEllen Broadwater
saysKaren Clark
saysDenise
saysSusie
saysWe are just moving my mother in law in with us, she has been my my mum since I lost my parents. I have worked as a qualified nurse all my life. Terrified, but we will make it work. All the online help makes it a little less daunting. Good luck, and all my love coming your way. xx
Sandy Hallburg
saysHi. I understand how you feel. I moved in with my Mom who is 88. She always talks about a cousin of mine I've 9nly meet once when I was a teen. I know my Mom hasn't seen her in over 30 years. She always thinks we are at her house and she needs to go home. It's so hard. She always thinks she's talk to this person that day and wants to know where she is and when she'll be home. I don't understand why she is fixated on this person. I always just try to go along with it and then try to distract her, but it's so hard to understand and deal with her wanting to go home.
MM96
saysThat is true for many cultures, your comment is exactly what I told the UK authorities, my mom (not speaking one world in English) is in a nursing home in UK and she never wanted to be in a nursing home, but it was my sister who manipulated the system to get her in a nursing home against her and my will. She expressed her wishes to leave many times and its all documented and communicated to the UK authorities who elect to disregard her whishes distorting the truth saying she is happy in the nursing home. Seeing the truth about the nursing home concept is not what the nursing home and Social Services in UK want to hear. If you have the means (physical and financial) it is not in the best interest of your parent with the dementia condition to be in a nursing home, don't full yourself that they would get better care there vs at home within the family.
Jen
saysMm96: it is in my mom's best interest at some point to go into some type of home or into hospice palliative care inside a hospice house...not in our home. Unless she dies first, of course. At some point, I will no longer be able to care for her at home due to her continuing agitation and violent outbursts and due to my own health and sanity. At some point, it isn't about what the person with dementia wants, but what the family caregiver wishes and wants. I am sorry to those of you who feel otherwise, but my life should not be lived like that nor should my own child's life be lived that way should the same disease hit me.
Kathy
saysShelly Black
saysAs I'm in America and I've moved in with my parents 8 years ago to help take care of them. I worked from home up until February this year when my Momma passed January 31st 2022, or hearts were broken. But none as much as my Daddy's, they have been married 57 years on January15, his heart shattered. Daddy was in the hospital in February and then the end of March at which time he was admitted to hospice AT HOME with dementia and a few other things. But my daddy will stay home with me till he Goes Home to be with Jesus and Momma. Momma turned 72 in December and daddy just turned 80 in February. Iam his ONLY caregiver on a daily basis, his son and his 3 kids walked out after my Momma passed. I have two boys in their early 30s, one moved in with us to help and the other isn't that far away. Dementia is no joke, but I can tell you trauma like a broken-heart will trigger it and make it go quicker.
GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE WITH A FAMILY MEMBER SUFFERING WITH THIS DISEASE, I AM PRAYING FOR THEM ALL, AS WELL AS THE CAREGIVERS THAT GET UP EACH DAY AND FACE THE DAY WITH THEIR LOVED ONES .. YOU ARE ROCKS STARS 🌟.
William George
saysI am in the Uk and agree with every comment dementia at what ever age is soul distorting and left to the close loved ones to care with no help. I am 80 my wife with dementia married for 58 years no help take care all of you
We're very sorry to hear about your situation, William.
You can call our our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our Dementia Advisers. They can find out what support might be available for you and your wife.
You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You might also benefit from joining our online community, Talking Point. Here, carers and other people affected by dementia share their experiences, and offer advice and support to others going through similar situations. You can browse the conversations within the community or sign up for free: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk
We hope this helps for now, William. Please do call the support line on 0333 150 3456 if you need someone to talk to.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Mandy
saysThis article helps me to understand why Mom might be saying these things. It’s never easy hearing these words from Mom. I just want to wrap her up in my arms and for a split second image life for Mom without this cruel disease.
Pauline
saysMy husband just been diagnosed with vascular dementia and alzheimers were married 57 yrs hes always asking to go home finally got him to tell me where it was it was where he was born i cry every night
Alzheimer's Society
saysPauline, we're very sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time. Please know that you aren't alone, and we are here for you.
We would strongly recommend calling our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will listen to you and provide specific information, advice and support that's relevant to your situation. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
We hope this helps, Pauline. Please do call our support line.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Jean Morris
saysI know how you feel. My husband very recently had to go to a memory care home. I am grieving. We have been together since we were 14 and 16. Prayers for you and me both.
Judy Luce
saysMy husband also has dementia, we are so close and I love him so much. It is painfull to see him like this. He does not seem happy and just sleeps all the time. I take him for a ride each day, he likes that. It is taking a toll on me since I now have all extra work he did. He was so meticulous about everything and he will tell me if I did not do a good job. I know that is his dementia and I can handle that, but I wish I did better. The hardest part for me is that he goes on and on and on about things. I wish you luck.
jacci Pomeroy
saysThank you for this advice. My mum has just gone into a care home at the age of 99 yrs. I had been her only carer. It is very upsetting, when i visit she holds on to me and wants to go home, she says it alot. Your article has helped me to understand a little better.
Grace
saysJacci - I know the feeling. My mother begs me to come and get her; to take her home. And when I visit her, she won't let me leave. I know she is looking for safety and familiarity.
Debbie
saysGrace- You described exactly what I’m afraid of. My husband has dementia and aphasia. I am his entire world. My children have asked me to move 3 hours away to live by them so they can help me but they want me to put him in a mental care facility. How on earth can I leave him in a strange place where I am not with him?
Shirley A Sanford
saysChandni
saysThank you for this article. As soon as I read the title, it reminded me of the guilt, the distress and the discomfort that surrounded those words for me. Very useful information, thank you.
We are so pleased you found this useful, Chandni. Thank you for letting us know.
If you're happy to share more details, we would be interested to learn about your situation and how dementia affected your life. You can email your story to [email protected]
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Diane Dennison
saysStrangely enough (and I hope this brings comfort to those whose parents are in a care home), our mum is living in her own home with Alzheimer’s dementia and is asking more and more to go home and is waiting for someone to come pick her up to take her home - even though she is in her own home. Distressing for her and us, as we try and convince her that she is in her own home but reading this makes me realise we need to try distracting rather than trying to convince her, thank you.
Grace
saysHi Diane - Thank you for sharing that even though your mother is in her home she is still asking to go home. It takes away some of the doubt and guilt I have over my mother living in memory care
Diane Dennison
saysHi Grace. I am so pleased this helps a little and it should definitely ease your feelings of any guilt and doubt you may have. I spent an hour the other night, first of all trying to convince mum she was in her own home but then realising the error of my ways and just trying to change the subject instead and trying to get her to focus on something else (very difficult over the phone). I wish you all the very best. Take care.
Tammy Ruebusch
saysI wish you luck with distracting her Diane. My mother lives in her house and says she wants to go home all the time. She knows what city she lives in and we tell her well that's here but she still doesn't believe us. We have tried distractions and have had no luck with distractions either. She is not distracted by our distractions because she is set on going home.
Diane Dennison
saysI know exactly what you mean Tammy, it’s so difficult. My Mum has now started wandering (I never thought this stage would come) and we have had to buy her a watch with a gps tracker. Once she gets the thought of “going home” in her head , nothing will stop her from getting out of the house! I find this very strange because she can forget things from one second to the next but the thought of going home stays as clear as anything for the hour or so that it can take her to get ready to leave the house. Take care and i wish you all the best with your Mum Tammy.
Pam
saysDiane , My mom was always packing to go home, even though she was in her own home, half the time she thinks I’m her sister who passed 20 years ago. She wasn’t making good decisions. It became unsafe for us to leave her in her own home and we moved her into memory care. She continues to pack up to leave the facility. It’s like a record playing in her head with the same scenario daily. This came on about 2 months ago. Up until that point we were comfortable with her in her own home. Will this behavior ever stop? She can’t remember from one minute to the next.But this has become a daily thing. It’s so hard, I just want her happy.
Pauline Shaw
saysHi pam my husband is the same it all seems to start at tea time think they call it sundowners my husband packs as well fine all day but soon as it hits 5.30pm it happens the doctor gave him antidepressants helps bit but can see him holding his head it's horrible to watch him like everyone you love them so much want to cuddle them all day
Ann Drake
saysRosie
saysChandni, my thoughts exactly. I also cry with guilt. Not only has my husband's life and our lifestyle changed, mine has too. I have been googling every web site in order to cope.
Rosie, we'd recommend calling our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will listen to you and your husband's situation and provide specific information, advice and support. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You might also benefit from joining our online community, Talking Point, where carers and other people affected by dementia share their experiences. You can browse the community or sign up for free here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-on…
We hope this helps, Rosie - and remember to call the support line if you need someone to talk to.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Sarah Varney
saysHi, I really need some advice if possible please.
My mother in law has vascular dementia and she regularly calls us to say she wants to go home, but she's not in a care home. She's at home with her husband. However, although she knows her husband is a man called Roy, she says it's not "her" Roy, and that she needs to go because her Roy will want to know where she is. She gets anxious and upset and constantly says she'll get a cab to get home. We live over an hour's drive away. We really need some advice on the right things to say to help her over the phone as we can't get to get immediately. Most of the calls are in the evening. My other half just constantly gets her to look around the house and describe what's there to try and get her to realise she's at home. I don't know how to help her. If anyone can offer any advice I really would be grateful.
Alzheimer's Society
saysThank you for your comment, Sarah. We're sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are all going through. Please know that we are here for you if you need someone to talk to.
You can call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They are here to listen to you, understand your situation and provide you with advice and support. More details about the support line (including opening hours) are available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You might also find it useful to talk to others who have been or are currently in similar situations. Within our online community, Talking Point, carers and other people affected by dementia share experiences, advice and offer support. You can browse the community or sign up for free here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-on…
We hope this helps.
Alzheimer's Society blog team