Living with Dementia May 2008

Sisters Deirdre and Bernadette decided they would both look after their mother, who has Alzheimer's, when their father died. The arrangement has led to some positive results.

When her husband died three years ago, Bridget Kelly lived alone in her Colchester bungalow. Bridget, 84, has always been an independent woman, but her family began to worry about her coping alone due to Alzheimer's disease. Bridget has four children; two sons in London and two daughters; Deirdre in Leigh-on-Sea in Essex, and Bernadette in Bristol.

Deidre said,

Mum lived alone in her bungalow for about a year after dad died, and she wasn't really looking after herself. I would visit her with my brother at the weekend and a lot of the visit would be taken up doing jobs. She was telling us she was eating but she was losing weight, and we were very concerned when we'd find her fully dressed in bed. One day, for the first time in her life when we were leaving she asked, "When are you coming back?"'

On one occasion when Bridget was under the weather, she went to stay with Deirdre and her family. Deirdre said,

There was no hurry for her to go back home. It felt easier having her with me than having to juggle work, children and rushing down to Colchester to check she was okay. But she was always independent and it didn't sit comfortably with her to depend on us; this never featured in her life plan.

Deirdre said the decision for Bridget not to go back home evolved rather than ever being formally decided. Bernadette and Deirdre decided it would be best for both of them to share her care. While they were a little concerned about the effect on their mother of moving between two homes, Deirdre says this a small price to pay for what has become a good solution.

She says,

I think there was a deep-seated feeling inside that she shouldn't be living with us or intruding on the families. But in all the time she's been with us - and my sister - she's been very thoughtful and asks how it fits in with us.

Now, Bridget lives with Deirdre and her husband Ian and two sons, Patrick and Callum, for around eight weeks, and then goes to live with her other daughter, Bernadette, husband Peter and their three children, Louise, Julian and Maddie, in Bristol. The families are delighted that although the move can unsettle Bridget initially, she soon settles down once she has arrived. They believe the fact she is surrounded by family and keeping active has had a positive effect on her condition.

Deirdre says,

I envisaged her getting slowly worse but she has picked up mentally and physically. She walks more now, she's put weight on and her memory has definitely improved, and I think it has to be the stimulation. She comes from the West of Ireland so she is used to a big family. She adores her grandchildren and is very tolerant of them. I sometimes worry about the screaming that goes on but she'll just say, "That's what life's all about".

It's interesting as there's lots of support for carers in my area, but very little support for people with dementia. My sister has a lot more going on for mum in her area, so she goes to Singing for the Brain classes which are really stimulating for her, there are lots of nursing homes which offer day care. When she lives with me she sees people at church and goes to day centres and just fits in with us.

Going to church is a big part of her life. Her faith has been a tremendous support to her and I think church is the one place where she feels 100 per cent comfortable as she knows all the prayers and songs and can recite them word perfectly.

Deidre also says having their grandmother at home has enhanced her relationship with her sons. '

The boys love having her here and they find the things she does quite funny. I had to hide the sugar bowl because she has sugar cravings and they think this is hilarious, I'll buy biscuits and she'll devour the lot in a day. But they are very respectful. One will brush her teeth, another brings her tea or Ovaltine at night and they take her for walks and help her to remember. And she's always on their side.

I admire the way mum's dealing with the situation as I know her confidence has taken a knock. But she fits in happily with us. I think we've made the best of a difficult situation.