Living with dementia magazine June 2012

Living with dementia affects every area of life and has a huge impact on relationships with spouses and partners. Helpline Adviser Sally Carr looks at dealing with how relationships and plans can change.

'I first noticed changes in my husband's behaviour years ago, and it was a long time before we went to the doctor and eventually got a diagnosis of dementia. It was a difficult time with our grown-up children, who wanted to help us. His dementia means that he is so different now and so is our relationship - I sometimes wonder what happened to our marriage and all of our plans for the future.'

You are likely to find that family life is never quite the same if your spouse or partner has developed dementia. It can be a struggle to cope with losing the emotional ties of love and companionship that you have relied upon, maybe for many years.

Many relationships naturally have their loving or stormy ups and downs, but dementia may cause the relationship to become unpredictable and unreliable. This can be a source of distress and bewilderment for all concerned, especially those closest.

It does take time, but understanding what brings about these changes, and developing ways to adapt to new circumstances will ultimately help couples to adjust, accept and continue to care for each other. Talking this over with friends, counsellors or other specialist organisations can be very useful at this time.

In sickness and in health

When dementia affects one half of a couple, they can often both appear to hide away, refusing all offers of help. This may be seen as stubbornness or sheer denial of what's happening, and can be frustrating for friends and family.

In effect, one half of the partnership is doing their utmost to love and care for the other, even though they may be elderly and ill themselves. It's not easy to support older couples who are set in their ways. Any attempt at support needs to acknowledge the love and dedication that holds their relationship together.

It could also help to talk about your fears and frustrations. This may allow you to look at ways to live more positively with dementia and get some support.

Changes of plan

Most of us have hopes, dreams and plans for the future, and these form part of how we see our lives moving forward. Having a family member with dementia can change our perception of what is possible, and practical considerations can rule out cherished plans. Understandably this may lead to feelings of depression and resentment.

Gradual acceptance that some plans may have to be adapted or put on hold is likely to reduce anxiety all round. Pleasurable activities can energise both of you and help maintain a positive relationship. Most don't have to involve complex planning or take place far from home. More ambitious trips, with or without the person with dementia, may take more effort to organise, but specialised support agencies are there to help.

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