Living with dementia magazine December 2010/January 2011

Carer Susan Doggett opens up about the benefits of counselling, and encourages others to consider it, too.

'You think too much' was one of the apocryphal sayings of my mother. I recalled these words recently when my head felt as if it might explode with the myriad thoughts constantly swirling around inside.

My husband, Graham, has posterior cortical atrophy (PCA), a condition caused by Alzheimer's disease which mainly manifests itself by a gradual loss of sight. Consequently, any jobs in the house or garden which rely on vision now have to be done by me.

Graham was diagnosed with suspected Alzheimer's disease in 2005, though it wasn't until 2007 that we got the correct diagnosis of PCA.

I managed to keep myself buoyant for some time but eventually things just got on top of us. I'd been trying to keep Graham going and find ways of dealing with the situation, but we just seemed to be very much on our own as no-one we knew had the same symptoms as Graham.

In 2009, my GP prescribed anti-depressants to help manage the impact of dementia on my life. I was finding it hard to relax and concentrate and get back to sleep, and the lack of sleep only added to the strain. It's difficult with PCA as you are constantly on the alert because of the sight problems.

The medication certainly helped to take the edge off my stress. My GP also recommended counselling, but I rejected it at the time as I felt it was a sign of weakness or not being able to cope. But on reflection, I decided to take up the GP's offer and I'm so glad that I did.

Starting in June, I had seven one hour sessions at my GP's surgery. I was a bit sceptical and wasn't really expecting it to make a great difference, but it definitely has. Just knowing someone is there for you and having someone to talk to every week made a lot of difference.

The counsellor, Judy, kept us strictly to time. Each week, she would start by asking me a relevant question, such as 'How has your week been?' or 'Has anything happened this week that you want to talk about?'

Conversation flowed easily as there always seemed to be something that I needed to talk about. We discussed practical issues such as how I could most usefully use my time so that Graham and I could enjoy life while still having time to do all the household chores.

Each week, I left feeling more in control of our situation. I found I became more efficient as I wasn't wasting time and energy feeling as though I couldn't cope.

We also spent time discussing personal problems and relationships, and as time passed I felt more relaxed and able to discuss anything in the secure knowledge that nothing would be taken outside the four walls.

I found the counsellor's positive comments on certain aspects of caring helpful. I remember her saying, 'Be kind to yourself,' and to accept help from anyone who offers it. Judy made me feel more positive about the fact that I was doing a good job.

I found having an hour to talk uninterrupted to an interested person a great ego boost, and something I imagine would be good for anyone's morale. I think many carers look as though they are coping well and don't want to make a fuss, but I would encourage people to be honest with themselves and try it.

Although I finished my sessions several months ago, I still feel much more relaxed and able to cope. I think the sessions also increased my confidence. One thing which has stayed with me from Judy is that the carer has a right to a life of their own. Somehow, we need to try to remember that, without neglecting the people we care for.

Now, if someone else comes to look after Graham, he will go off and do things without me feeling guilty, and this is good for me in many ways. I now say to myself that I shouldn't worry about things in the way that I was, and I'm doing the best I can. The counselling definitely has made me happier.

As the festive season approaches, I am looking forward to practising my new mantra: You are caring for two equally important people; yourself and your partner. I shall, if necessary, buy ready-prepared food, use disposable crockery and utensils, and phone or email friends to wish them Season's Greetings instead of sending lots of cards.

The most important thing in life now is for Graham and I to enjoy joy and peace together for as long as possible.

Read the factsheet on our website Counselling: how can it help? (445) or  call Xcalibre on 01628 529240 to order a paper copy.