Living with dementia magazine September 2010

Keeping fit, having time to yourself and sharing a joke are Harold Williams' secrets to being a good carer, but the former Royal Marine commando still finds himself reduced to tears at times

Former Royal Marine Harold Williams has been caring for his wife, Audrey, who has Alzheimer's disease, for the last five years. Although he has cared for others all his life (he spent 17 years working as carer for people with physical and learning disabilities), he says that caring for someone with dementia brings challenges that have at times beaten him.

Aged 78, Harold leads an active life, and says he has always been a doer. He is one of the oldest lifeguards in the UK, regularly teaches swimming and lifesaving skills, and is currently building a gym in his back yard.

Earlier this year, he completed a biathlon which involved swimming 25 miles in the Red Sea in Egypt, followed by a 25 mile cycle ride around Rutland Water, which has so far raised £1,200 for Alzheimer's Society. This is in spite of two strokes that have resulted in damage to his legs.

Over the last 30 years, Harold has raised £30,000 for different charities. This year, he decided to donate the funds from his biathlon to Alzheimer's Society. He says,

'It means a lot to me, especially now, knowing what people go through.'

Out and about

Although caring for Audrey is his first priority, Harold makes sure he has time for himself every day. He pays for nurses to come to their home in Leicester to care for Audrey for three hours a day.

On Mondays, Audrey attends a day centre. During the week, friends and family will drop in and may take Audrey out. Harold says,

'I include Audrey in most of the things that I do and I like taking her out to places where there are other people. You have to carry on treating people with dementia like human beings and lead as normal a life as possible. I think it does Audrey good to get out as she enjoys herself.

'I'm no cook, so I tend to buy our meals in and twice a week we go out for a meal. On Saturdays we have fish and chips. Sometimes Audrey will comment on someone's fat belly, but I try to make a joke out of it and say to her that someone will be commenting on her grey hair.

'On the whole, life has been good to me. I came from a very close family and it was one big laugh, so I like to bring fun into things. But it's not always easy.'

The tough times

Harold says,

Caring for someone you love who doesn't recognise you does hurt, and you have a job to come to terms with that. It's also very hard when Audrey is aggressive. For no apparent reason I will be kicked or kneed between the legs, and Audrey doesn't know she's done it.

'If I mention later on that we had cross words and a bit of a squabble, she doesn't know anything about it. That makes me feel very sorry for her. Although I'd like to know why she did it, I can't question her so you just have to forget it. But it may well happen again.  

'At times she's broken me and I've gone into the yard and sobbed my eyes out, but I come back in and just act normal again.

'One of the hardest things we've dealt with is cleanliness. Washing was not a happy event for the two of us so we arranged for nurses to come in and that makes life easier.'

The happier times

'There are some wonderful bits to caring. Sometimes I'll spend ages hunting for the salt, as Audrey will put things away in the wrong places. I might find it in the microwave. There have been times when I've laid the breakfast out, popped out of the room and I've come back and both plates are empty! It's good to laugh about these things.

'I still make sure she gets away every year. I'm lucky enough to drive still and we always go down to Dawlish in May and again at the end of September. There are no set answers to caring for someone with dementia, but my secret is to try to get fun out of everything, get help in where you can, and get out and about.'