Living with dementia magazine June 2010

46-year-old Michael Tuton has been caring for his mum, Molly, for the last eight years. Last month, he was crowned Dementia Carer of the Year in the Daily Mail's Carer of the Year Awards 2010.

In 1998, while on a visit home from Canada to see his family, Michael Tuton went shopping with his mum, Molly. They were in a clothes shop when Molly turned to Michael and said, 'Hello! How lovely to see you!'

It was the first indication that something was wrong. It soon became apparent from conversations with his family that Molly had been showing signs of forgetfulness for some time, but his father had been covering up the problems.

Four years later, Michael left his job as a promotions manager in Toronto to return to Hull to care for Molly, who had by then been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. The youngest of six siblings, Michael said,

'There wasn't a lot I could do in Canada. I was relying on other family members to help Mum and everyone had such busy lives.'

In 2001, Michael's father, Wilf, died. That was when he decided to move home. He said,

'I was going to work in London and offer financial support, but my sister Sue was at breaking point and I just said to myself, ''Right, I'm moving in.'' I made the decision in about half an hour. Little did I know that eight years later, I'd still be doing it!'

Sue

Michael's sister, Sue, nominated Michael when she read about the awards in the paper. She says,

'Michael looks after mum wonderfully well and I wanted him to be recognised for the great job he's doing. He really is our unsung hero.

He's taught himself all there is to know about dementia and he does everything he can to make mum's life pleasant. I think mum knows he's doing all he does for her because she smiles away when he comes into the room. I'm always praising him, but he'll just say, ''Well, she's my mum."

Challenges

Among the things Michael has found difficult over the years is the way people react to him being a carer. He says,

'There was a lot of suspicion from people when I started to look after mum. People seemed to be questioning my motives and I was quite offended. It didn't seem a strange thing to do at all to me. Mum was a nurse all her life, and I think I've inherited her caring side. I get a lot of pleasure from seeing her happy and knowing she's comfortable.'

Michael's approach to caring for Molly is pragmatic. He says,

'I've treated caring for mum like anything in life, as another challenge. I've adapted as changes have happened. I've had to learn how to change her continence pads and buy her clothes and her underwear. You can't be embarrassed, you've just got to get on and do it. That's the way I look at it.'

Dealing with the crises

Michael says,

'A big crisis point was the time when mum got stuck in the middle of the stairs. She just couldn't move. I looked into what we could do and found out we could have a stair lift put in. When she lost mobility, we had a walk-in shower and a hoist fitted.'

Another crisis point was in 2004 when Molly caught pneumonia and lost the ability to swallow. Her weight plummeted to four and a half stone, and the family thought they would lose her. After six weeks in hospital, she was back at home. Michael was trained to use a nasal gastric tube. Six months later, a PEG tube was inserted into Molly's stomach and Michael now feeds her this way. Again, he took this development in his stride.

Each night, he gets up every few hours to turn Molly in bed so she doesn't get bedsores, and pats her back to clear her throat.

Communicating

Michael says,

'The thing I miss most about mum is her voice, but we have our ways of communicating. Mum's always been a touchy feely type. The little finger sticks out on one of her hands, and sometimes when I'm helping she holds my finger with that little finger and squeezes it so tight. It's the only thing she has control of now and I think it's her way of connecting with me.'

Michael was presented with his Dementia Carer Year award by TV Presenter and Society Ambassador Ruth Langsford at an awards ceremony in London on 11 May. He said,

'Caring is like a job that never ends, but you just adapt. No one does this for the adoration or the money. People do it for love.