Living with dementia magazine February 2010

Caroline and Steve Hartridge invited their wedding guests to donate to charity instead of buying gifts. Here, Caroline explains why.

The decision to spend our honeymoon doing a bike ride for charity and to ask for donations instead of wedding gifts took about ten minutes. The decision to raise funds for Alzheimer's Society probably took less than ten seconds. Alzheimer's Society is a charity we both feel connected to through family illness.

My husband Steve's beloved nana, Elsie Winkley, had Alzheimer's disease for five long years and my brilliant dad, Nick Jones, was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Aphasia* in 2004, aged just 54.

Losing my father bit by bit is heartbreaking. Dad was an acutely intelligent and creative man; a writer, poet, teacher, theatre director and actor. His understanding and command of the English language was exceptional. It's a cruel irony that dementia stripped Dad of his language first, although his artistic inclinations remain.

Although he is in good health physically, he's becoming less active as he loses interest in things. He still spends hours with his books and looking at paintings, and can write down his thoughts given enough time.

He takes part in local theatre productions (with the aid of a discreet piece of paper with his lines on), and there can't be another man in Britain who completes a jigsaw with as much care as he does!

 I continue to focus on what Dad can still do, not what he can't. I care most about the bits of him that are still here rather than the bits that have gone.

Planning for the big day

Fortunately for our family, Dad's illness has progressed relatively slowly, but knowing how quickly things could change, Steve and I wanted to hold our wedding soon after getting engaged so that Dad could be a part of it. Although he no longer seems to understand much about day-to-day life, he knows exactly what love is, who his family are, and therefore what a marriage means.

Our wedding day, by the River Thames in London in August last year, was beautiful. Friends and family contributed decorations and food, including 240 feet of bunting made from fabric triangles carefully cut out by Dad and stitched together by Mum.

My parents both walked with me down the aisle towards Steve. But for me, the most emotional point of the day was when Dad unexpectedly got up to speak to our 150 guests to say a few words. Everyone in the room knew how important this was.

The honeymoon

Steve and I left for our honeymoon bike ride two days after the wedding, driving from London to Newcastle, where we left the car and caught a train across to Whitehaven on the opposite coast.

The Coast-to-Coast cycle route is a stunning 150-mile stretch across the North of England, through Cumbria, the Lake and Peak Districts, into Sunderland, and ending at South Shields, where my mum was brought up.

We took three days to complete the route, taking in the incredible scenery and enjoying local hospitality in B&Bs. Anytime I was about to start whining (it's too cold/steep/wet/windy/far!), I'd think about how much effort it took my dad to speak at the wedding - to choose his words, write them down, and say them out loud.

Well worth it

We recently received a letter from the chairman of the Society's Exeter branch, Terry Roberts, to thank us for the £6,135 (£7.5k with gift aid!) they have received. Admittedly, there was a moment when we wondered how many domestic appliances we could have bought, but we knew the memory of our bike ride and the value of the money raised would outlive a toaster.

My parents have both received help from the Exeter branch. Dad has three different support workers and mum attends a local support group. Both of them show enormous strength on a daily basis, but I'm still glad to know there is a network of supportive people nearby that can help when needed. Steve and I have gained so much pleasure in raising these funds for Alzheimer's Society, knowing they will be well spent.

*Primary Progressive Aphasia (PPA) is a disorder caused by degenerative diseases of the brain, in which speech and language functions deteriorate gradually over a period of years.

Gift in celebration

If you would like to use your celebration to support people living with dementia, we have a range of materials to help you. Whether you are getting married, celebrating a birthday, anniversary or other special occasion, there are cards to go with your invitations to request donations instead of presents.

We also have collection envelopes and boxes, and wedding favour cards and pin badges. To find out more, vist our Gifts in celebration page. You can also Supporter Care on 0845 306 0898 or email celebrate@alzheimers.org.uk